


I Must Be Going

by AuroraBorealia, LadyNorbert



Series: Skyhold Academy Yearbook [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Crossover, F/M, Fairy Tale Elements, M/M, Reading Aloud, Story within a Story, The Princess Bride References, Varric Tethras Writes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-08 22:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12262920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraBorealia/pseuds/AuroraBorealia, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyNorbert/pseuds/LadyNorbert
Summary: Varric has just the thing to keep Cole occupied when his mother's in the hospital - he's rewritten The Princess Bride to be about Cullen and Evvy. It's story time in the Skyhold Academy courtyard with Professor Tethras and friends!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you've all been chomping at the bit for something ridiculously funny, because we're about to deliver. This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever written.

* * *

**Chapter One**

* * *

 

Cole wasn’t nervous… not exactly. After all, Father had assured him that everything would be completely fine and that he would meet his new brother or sister very soon. But he was still anxious, he couldn’t help it - especially since the whole thing was happening quite a bit earlier than it should have. The process had started that morning and Father, his face as white as a sheet, had begun dashing around to grab the things he and Mother would need during her stay at the hospital. Cole wanted to help, and yet there was nothing he could really do except wait like everyone else. Since it was going to take a long time, it had been suggested that Cole remain at Skyhold until the baby was born, and then he could go see his family. So now he waited, sitting outside in the courtyard with a sketchbook, trying to make his jittery hands create something beautiful on the page. But his mind wandered and he found himself staring at the swaying trees. _Waiting. So much waiting, wanting, wishing, wondering. I wonder if I’ll have a brother or a sister… I can add him or her to the portrait Mother and Father hung in the living room after their wedding. We’ll all teach each other new things together, it will be good. But so much waiting…_

Meanwhile, classes had let out for the day and by this point, most of the student body had learned that Mrs. Rutherford had gone into premature labor. The buzzing of their nervous excitement was beyond description as friends found each other after class and began chatting frantically. As the main hall crammed with students, Rory Norbertson was almost trampled twice by her frenzied classmates; but she nevertheless managed to find one of her best friends and greeted him with an excited squeal of “Jim!” as she all but barreled into him. They gossiped with each other for a moment before hurrying away, escaping the crowd in the main hall to search for the absent member of their trio. Still chattering away, they made it as far as the courtyard when they stopped, not at the sight of their friend Nessa, but at the sight of Cole, his face shadowed by the fringe of his hair as he tapped his pencil against the paper aimlessly.

“Oh, Cole. Hi!” said Rory. “We heard about your mom - we’re very excited! How… how are you doing? You okay?”

He nodded, blinking at his friends a little owlishly. “It will be interesting,” he said. “I am still learning how to be a son, and now I’ll be learning how to be a brother too. I look forward to it, but… I want my mother to be all right.”

Rory smiled sympathetically. “You’ll be a great brother. You already make Professor and Mrs. Rutherford so happy, after all. I’m sure everything will be perfectly fine.” She paused and glanced at Jim. “Hey, I just had an idea. We’re off to look for our friend Nessa - she probably just got out of debate club. Why don’t you come with us? That way you don’t have to wait here all by yourself.”

The large blue eyes registered some surprise. “I would… like that. Thank you.” His speech pattern sometimes unconsciously mimicked that of his father. Carefully he stood, picking up his sketchbook, and followed them in search of their other friend.

As they walked along, Rory and Jim continued to speak in a hurried tone of anticipation. Rory turned to Cole with a smile. “I bet the other teachers are probably excited too, huh?”

“I don’t know if Uncle Dorian is excited,” he said thoughtfully. “He’s more worried than anything. Father said he will pace a hole in the library floor by the time it’s all over - striding, stressing, straining his ears for the sound of the phone. The others are more excited, I think.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Professor Pavus all right,” she said, her tone one of fond awe.

“I can’t even imagine what Professor Rutherford must be thinking right now,” Jim added. “He’s been so anxious for weeks - but whenever anyone mentions it, he gets a huge grin on his face too.”

“Waiting, wanting, wishing... already I have so much, and now the Maker blesses me again,” said Cole, projecting Cullen’s emotions. “It will be all right, it has to be, she’s braver than I am sometimes.”

“Oh, are those things Professor Rutherford has actually said?” Rory asked, her eyes wide. “Aww, glorious Andraste, that's the cutest thing I've ever heard in my whole life.”

“You have an awesome family, Cole,” said Jim, a bit wistfully.

“Yes. Sometimes I forget the days when I had no family outside of Skyhold. It was a different time. I was a different me. Then Mother came and changed… everything. And now she changes everything again,” he added. “Headmistress says the first child born at Skyhold makes the whole place different. My brother or sister will belong to everyone.”

“I guess it's like the teachers say sometimes - that we're all one big happy Skyhold family. A pretty good family if you ask me,” Rory said with a smile, flinging an arm around Jim for a moment.

“Speaking of family, there’s Nessa with Professor Tethras,” said Jim, pointing.

“Oh, there’s the partners in crime,” said Varric, chuckling as they approached. “And Cole, I was going to come and find you. I’ve got something for you - I wrote it a little while ago but I’ve been saving it for this exact occasion.”

“You wrote something for me?” Cole asked quizzically, tilting his head. Next to him, Jim and Rory had begun gossiping enthusiastically with Nessa; but at the professor’s words, they all halted mid-sentence and stared with wide, curious eyes.

“Knew you’d be needing something to keep your mind occupied while your parents are at the hospital. So I put this together and held onto it.” Varric grinned, seeing the others watching. “I guess everyone can share in it, if Cole doesn’t mind.”

“Sharing stories, something Mother would approve,” the boy noted. “Yes.”

“All right - anybody who wants story time, follow me. We’ll find someplace out of the way.”

Rory squealed slightly. “Oh, thank you, Cole! That’s so nice of you!” she said in a tone like he had just given her the best gift in the world.

“Story time with Professor Tethras?” added Nessa as they began to walk along. “I am _so_ in.”

Smirking, Varric sent a text to the other teachers. _Keeping Siren’s boy distracted with a story. A couple other kids are along for the ride. We’ll be in the inner courtyard by the Chantry if anyone needs us or gets curious about what cameo they’re playing._

“So,” he said, claiming a bench, “has everybody here either seen or read _The Princess Bride_?”

Rory’s eyes widened yet again. “Yes!” she breathed, looking thrilled.

“Of course! And it’s Jim’s favorite movie,” Nessa chimed in.

“It’s not my _favorite_ movie,” he protested. His two friends just levelled him with a look. “Okay, it’s... definitely in the top five.”

“Besides, it’s how you and I first bonded, so that makes it extra special,” Rory reminded him with a smile, putting her head on Jim’s shoulder.

“Father showed it to me over Wintersend,” Cole noted thoughtfully. “I liked the part with the horses.”

“Why do you ask, Professor?” Nessa asked.

“Well, I sort of rewrote it to be about Cole’s parents... with some of your other favorite teachers thrown in.”

Rory gasped, then let out a noise that was somewhere between a shriek and a squeal. “This is it. This is the story of how I died.”

“That's a good thing,” Jim translated, seeing Cole's look of concern.

“Hyperbole,” Varric added. “An overstatement of sorts, Cole. I promise no one dies in this story, okay?”

Cole considered this, then nodded. “All right. _The Princess Bride..._  Mother was both - an _emerald_ princess.” His face lit in an enormous smile.

“You’re right about that, Kid. And your father was the most bashful knight I ever met.” Varric opened the bound manuscript in his hands and cleared his throat. “Here we go...”

 

* * *

 

> Evangeline was raised in a small mansion-house in the land of the Free Marches. When she was old enough, and tired of her gilded cage, she set out to seek her fortune across the sea in Ferelden. There she moved into a castle and sort of took over things a little bit, but her favorite pastimes were drawing pictures and tormenting the history teacher who worked there. His name was Cullen, although she never called him that.

 

“How’s that for a beginning?” Varric interrupted himself to ask.

Rory already wore an enormous grin and was giving Jim's arm several jubilant swats. “Yeah, it’s _really_ good,” he managed with a grin in between his best friend’s flailing.

“Amazing!” Nessa chirped.

“What did she call him?” Cole asked, genuinely curious.

“Exactly what you probably think she called him.”

 

 

> “Professor,” said Evangeline, “I was hoping we might talk a bit more at lunch.”
> 
> “...I must be going.”
> 
> ‘I must be going,’ while not the _only_ thing he ever said to her, escaped his lips with a frequency that confused poor Evangeline. She started to wonder if she didn’t bathe frequently enough or if he broke out in hives from her shampoo or something. She didn’t torment him on _purpose_ , you understand; she was too nice for that. But he sure had her wondering if she was tormenting him unwittingly.
> 
> “Professor, I’d like to borrow your Genitivi,” she began, one afternoon, and sort of froze as he stared at her for a long moment.
> 
> With a grin, and without moving a muscle, he replied, “I _must_ be going.”
> 
> That day, she was amazed to discover that when he said ‘I must be going,’ what he meant was ‘I love you.’ This was extremely convenient, since she had long since figured out that she loved him back, although it took a bit of time and a less than friendly jab in the heart before he understood that.

 

Varric paused to clear his throat. “Before anyone asks,” he added, “yes, this _is_ what you might call a kissing book.”

Rory, Jim, and Nessa, who had all pressed their faces together as they listened intently, exchanged a euphoric glance.

“I don’t _believe_ this,” Rory drawled, giggling. Her face was a mask of sheer joy. “This is in the running for the best day of my entire life.”

“Better than the concert? Or the wedding?” Varric teased her.

She looked genuinely torn. “Ooh. I don't know. The wedding, then the concert, then this? This and the concert tied? Everything tied?” She pondered for a moment.

“Don't hurt yourself, Rors.” Jim laughed, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Just say it’s in the top five,” Nessa suggested. “Like Jim did about the movie. That should cover it.”

 

* * *

 

> Well, Cullen was in no very good shape for marriage, so he decided to leave Skyhold and see if he couldn’t get a little healthier before they walked down the aisle. This was a very emotional time for Evangeline, as might be expected.
> 
> “I fear I’ll never see you again.”
> 
> “Of course you will, why wouldn’t you? I’m only going to my sister’s house.”
> 
> “Right, but what if something happens to you?”
> 
> He pulled back from their embrace and gazed at her fondly. “Hear this now,” he told her. “I will _always_ come for you. This is true love - you think this happens every day?”
> 
> “Well, statistically,” she began, but he cut her off with a kiss before leaving.
> 
> Unfortunately, Cullen never reached his destination. His train was attacked by the terrible scourge of the land, the Dread Pirate Blackwall. And when Evangeline received the news that Cullen had been murdered…

 

“Professor!” Cole objected. “You said no one dies in this story!”

“You’re right, and I apologize. But I promise it gets fixed later, okay?”

“You can fix that?”

“I’m the writer, kid. I can fix anything.”

 

> When Evangeline received the news that Cullen had been murdered, she went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate. “I had finally gotten him to stop running... I will never love again. I can’t even.”

 

“I put that in for you guys,” Varric added.

“Good, it fits. Because I literally can't even,” Rory replied, both of her hands over her mouth.

“One question, Professor,” Jim interjected. “Why is Mr. Blackwall the Dread Pirate?”

“To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t figure out a better place to get him into the story, but I didn’t want to leave him out.”

“I like it. I can't wait to see who the other teachers are,” said Nessa.

“I think I know who Professor Pavus is going to be!” added Rory, who quite frankly looked a bit giddy at the prospect.

 

* * *

 

> Five months later, for reasons that really don’t get explained very clearly because I couldn’t think of them, Skyhold Castle was thrown into a flurry of excitement because Prince Samson, the son of King Mahanon and Queen Cassandra, announced his engagement. The King and Queen were very well loved by the people, and neither they nor the people seemed to recognize that Samson was in fact a colossal tool. A great holiday was proclaimed at which he presented his bride-to-be to the people of Skyhold.
> 
> “My people!” he declared. “A month from now, I shall marry a lady who came here from across the Waking Sea. She was never a commoner like yourselves, but she is known for having a ‘common touch,’ and perhaps you will not find her common now. My people - the Princess Evangeline!”
> 
> Evangeline strode out on the carpet which had been prepared for her, and a lot of the people who were gathered knelt in homage. She stared up at her bridegroom, who was clad in red armor and gazed down at her the way a dog gazes at its most prized chew toy. It wasn’t a comfortable sort of gaze for the chew toy in question. Nevertheless, she looked radiantly beautiful; the sunlight gleamed in her chestnut hair, and though her eyes were filled with sorrow, they still shone with smaragdine brilliance.

 

“They did _what_?” Rory asked, baffled.

“What kind of - is that even common tongue?” Jim looked confused.

“It was on my Word-a-Day calendar,” Varric said, holding up a hand. “It means ‘of or relating to emeralds or emerald green in color.’ So it fits.”

“I don’t think that’s a real word,” said Cole, shaking his head. “Or if it is, it _shouldn’t_ be.”

“Okay, Kid,” the author relented. “I’ll change it to _emerald_.”

 

> Evangeline’s emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Samson the right to choose his bride, again for reasons that I haven’t been able to sufficiently explain, she did not love him. Despite Samson’s assurances that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily sketching session in the forest beyond Skyhold’s walls.
> 
> She went there, that afternoon, and tried to take some solace in the beauty of her surroundings. But as usual, her hands traced out the image of Cullen’s face. She wasn’t sure if she was remembering it correctly anymore; sometimes he just felt like a dream.
> 
> “A word, my lady?”

 

“Hang on, sorry to interrupt, Professor,” Nessa cut in. “Especially since this is amazing …”

“Absolutely stupendous,” added Jim.

“So great I could cry.” Rory nodded. “But...”

“Who’s Samson?” all three chorused at once.

“Oh, of course, you kids wouldn’t know about him.” Varric glanced at Cole, whose expression said clearly that he was a little better informed. “Samson was a guy who served in the military with Professor Rutherford. They were friends, at first, but later he turned out to be… well… you remember the last Chargers game against Venatori? The one where they were messing with the time clock? He turned out to be working with them, behind the scenes. He actually was instrumental in Siren’s kidnapping, but we didn’t find that out until the Grey Wardens rescued her, and we were all so glad to have the whole mess over that we didn’t really talk about it much. But when I needed to make somebody the baddie in this story, he seemed like a good choice.”

“He was angry with my father because my father spoke out against the woman with the needle,” Cole said with a grim nod. “And because then my father left and things happened after he had gone. I don’t know much more than that - Mother and Father don’t like talking about it.”

“That’s so sad,” Rory said sympathetically. None of the students at Skyhold knew what exactly Professor Rutherford had been through during his time in the military, but they knew it hadn’t ended well. “Anyway, he’s a good bad guy for this story. He’s already making my skin crawl.”

“Just the sort of response I wanted,” Varric assured her.

 

> Evangeline looked up from her sketchbook. A trio of characters stood before her, with innocent expressions that wouldn’t have fooled a five-year-old, but she decided to hear them out because it wouldn't be the strangest thing that happened in her life. The speaker was a somewhat elderly man in a doublet; he was flanked by two more men. On one side was a man of average height, with a flamboyant air and a mustache such as only legends can claim. On the other side was a mountain of a man, with an eyepatch and more muscles than any sane person ought to have.
> 
> “We are but poor, lost circus performers,” said the group’s spokesman. “Is there a village nearby?”
> 
> “There’s nothing particularly nearby. Not for at least a mile,” she replied. It occurred to her for the first time that the prince’s bride probably shouldn’t have been allowed to wander off by herself, and she wondered if that was a key plot point she should remember later. But she was immediately diverted by the man’s next comment.
> 
> “Then there will be no one to hear you scream,” he said, and before she could think twice, the largest of the three was moving toward her.
> 
>  

* * *

 

Cole made a little noise at this, evidently finding that it hit too close to home. Jim put an arm around his shoulder.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m not totally sure who the old guy is, but the other two are quite obviously Coach Bull and Professor Pavus, who I’m sure are awesome even in story form.”

“I knew it!” Rory was saying in delight. “I knew Professor Pavus was going to be Inigo Mont-” She stopped speaking very abruptly and turned to watch three new arrivals come striding into the courtyard.

As they came into view it was apparent that the three people in question were in fact Professor Pavus, Coach Bull, and Professor Pentaghast. The look on Rory’s face at seeing Dorian and Bull appear in person right as their characters had appeared in the story was comical in the extreme and her two friends burst out laughing.

“Hey, gang,” Bull rumbled pleasantly as he all but herded the other two professors along. “I was on my way to save this one from pacing around the library when I found this one pacing around the gym.” He indicated Dorian and then Cassandra in turn, chuckling slightly. “Figured we’d come get some fresh air, see what you guys are up to.”

“Join the party, Tiny,” Varric said pleasantly. “You walked in on your cameo, so I’ll back up and reread the last paragraph to bring you up to speed. General, I apologize that your part is kind of small, but I did make you Queen so that should count for something.”

“Exactly what are you reading?” she asked.

“I rewrote _The Princess Bride_ to incorporate our favorite living fairy tale, and I’ve been saving it to read to Cole while his mom’s in labor. Everybody else is just sort of along for the ride, but the more the merrier when it comes to something like this, eh?”

All three “partners in crime” waved a bit shyly. Cass and Dorian exchanged a teasingly bemused glance at the subject material in question as they took a seat.

“Mm, _The Princess Bride_?” Dorian asked, playfully rolling his eyes. “Let me guess - my name is Dorian Pavus, you killed my father, prepare to die? Sound about right?”

Rory slapped a hand over her mouth to keep from shrieking.

“Actually, yeah,” Varric admitted. “C’mon, you and Montoya have epic mustaches. I had to make you the same character. Who else would do?”

“Well, that is true,” he replied, stroking his own mustache as he sat down and crossed one leg over the other. “All right, let’s have it then.”

“I haven’t gotten very far - if the kids don’t mind, I’ll start over from the beginning so you don’t miss the General’s appearance.” Seeing them nod, he did just that, and then continued the story.

 

> The older man tore some fabric, which made no sense to his fellows even as they started loading Evangeline into their car. “What’s that you’re ripping?” asked the one with the mustache.
> 
> “It’s fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Orlais.”
> 
> “Orlais?” asked the larger man, who had the unconscious lady in his arms.
> 
> “The country on the other side of the mountains! The sworn enemy of Ferelden!” said the older man. “Everyone knows _that_. Once they come with their mabari search and rescue hounds, they’ll find the scrap of material snagged on her sketchbook, and it will make the prince think that the Orlesians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead at the base of the Frostback Mountains, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.”
> 
> “You never said anything about killing anyone!”
> 
> “I’ve hired you to help me start a war! It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.”
> 
> The large man shook his head. “I just don’t think it’s right, killing an innocent girl.”
> 
> “Am I going mad, or did the word _think_ escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!”
> 
> “I agree with Bull,” said the other man, closing the car door. Evangeline was buckled into the back seat and slumped against the window, still unconscious.
> 
> “Oh, the sod has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern - _I_ will kill her. And remember this - _never forget this_ ,” their leader continued. “When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn’t buy Antivan brandy!” Turning to the other man, he added, “And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were - unemployed, in _Seheron_?” Irritably, he moved around to the driver’s side and got behind the wheel of the car.

 

Varric paused and looked up. “Sorry - I just really enjoy the original lines so much, I didn’t want to change them any more than necessary.”

The kids, evidently, did not mind this fact. Dorian, meanwhile, shook his head, chuckling slightly. “I wish I could object, but the lines _are_ surprisingly apt.”

 

> While their leader fumbled for his keys and muttered irritably to himself, the man with the mustache approached the other. “Alexius... he can fuss,” he said.
> 
> “Fuss... fuss... I think he likes to scream at us.”
> 
> “Probably he means no harm.”
> 
> “He’s really very short on charm.”
> 
> “Ah, you are great with the rhymes.”
> 
> “Yes, yes... some other time.”
> 
> The man they called Alexius beeped the horn in annoyance. “Stop that! Get in the car!”
> 
> “Are we going to have to travel far?” asked the one called Bull, getting into the backseat beside Evangeline.
> 
> “No more rhymes, now, I mean it!”
> 
> “...anybody want a peanut?”
> 
> “Gah!”

 

* * *

 

“So that should answer your question about who’s running the show here,” Varric added, nodding at Jim.

“Oh, I should have known it was Alexius,” said Dorian before anyone else could speak.

Cassandra, meanwhile, just seemed slightly befuddled. “What even is happening here?” she said, raising an eyebrow.

“I like the rhymes,” Cole said cheerfully. “It’s like poetry.”

“This is my favorite thing _ever_!” Rory exclaimed, both of her hands on her cheeks as she beamed.

“General, haven’t you ever watched _The Princess Bride_? How can you not understand what’s happening?”

“Yes, it’s the rhyme scene,” Dorian said lightly, as if that explained everything. “You know, on the ship?” Seeing that her gaze remained unchanged, he let out a bark of laughter. “Wait, you’ve really never seen this movie, have you? Ha! _You_? How can you have never seen _The Princess Bride_? What, with how romantic you are and those books you read and -”

Cassandra’s eyes went wide at that and she slapped his arm to make him stop, a blush creeping into her cheeks. She cleared her throat after a moment. “I… no. I’ve never seen it. I don’t know why, I just haven’t.”

“Oh, we are _so_ going to fix that when this is over.” Bull chuckled.

“It’s a gap in your education that must be rectified, General,” Varric agreed. “I’ll lend you this and once you’ve seen the movie, you can read it again and understand all the jokes I made.”

She shrugged, somewhere between deeply amused and a little embarrassed. “Sounds fair. Continue.”

He coughed a little, massaging his throat. “Before I do - could one of you kids nip over to the kitchen and get me a water? I keep forgetting to bring a bottle when I do a reading, and this dries me out like nobody’s business.”

“I’ll go,” Jim volunteered, getting to his feet. “Rory, don’t let them start without me.”

“Not a chance,” she said sweetly.

“Nessa, don’t let them start without me.”

“All right. But only because I owe you a favor.”

“Good boy. Hey, see if they’ll let you bring back some cookies too. Tell them it’s for Cole, they might be more willing,” Varric added.

“I can do that,” he said. “Or should I say, as you wish.”

His two best friends tittered as he departed and then for a moment there was silence - a silence which Cole eventually broke.

“Uncle Dorian, have you heard any news from Father? Waiting, wondering, when will we know…”

“Not much yet, I'm afraid,” Dorian sighed. “Everything is progressing as it should, but how long that will take is anyone's guess.”

“Don’t you worry, Kid,” said Varric gently. “Your mother’s one of the toughest nobles I ever met. Sure, she’s a walking rainbow, but anybody who can survive what she went through last year can probably get through what she’s doing right now without much trouble. So - what does everybody think she’s having? I know they decided they wanted to be surprised.”

“A girl,” Cassandra answered. “Well, at least if Cullen has any pull with the Maker it will be a girl,” she added, chuckling. “He seems to think it is, but I’m not sure how he could possibly know …”

“Maker, maybe it will be a daughter,” Cole said, almost absently. “Then I’ll have a daughter and a son, when I never thought I’d have either. If it is a girl, I hope she looks like her mother - same smile, green eyes glistening when she’s glad, that laugh that lights up the world. No matter what, I’m blessed.”

Rory and Nessa, upon realizing that Cole was quoting his father, looked at him with expressions of complete adoration. “Aww, that’s so sweet!” they both breathed in unison.

Bull chuckled. “A year later and they’re still so cute it’s stupid,” he noted. “Does Ev have an opinion, Dorian?”

“Honestly, I think she’s hoping it will be a girl just to see the look on Cullen’s face,” Dorian said fondly. “Incidentally, you’re not wrong in your assessment that they’re so cute it’s stupid.”

“Have they picked out names, do you know?” Varric asked. “They can’t name the kid after us, it would be the most ridiculously long name since the General was born.”

The girls giggled at that and Cass, who initially looked like she wanted to protest, made a face that seemed to say _Well, you’re not wrong._

“Eleanor, like Father’s mother,” replied Cole, nodding. “A gentle, good woman, gone too soon. But Father says she would have loved my mother and me and the new baby very much. Mother wanted to honor her, so a girl will be called Eleanor. I don’t know about a boy.”

“My understanding is that if it’s a boy, they’re considering Alistair, in honor of President Theirin,” said a new voice, and everyone looked up to see Josephine and Leliana. They had encountered Jim on his way to the kitchen and now appeared bearing refreshments for everyone. “I hear,” Leliana continued, “that there is some epic storytelling happening here.”

Cass smiled as they approached and slid down to make room for them. “Apparently Varric wrote a story for Cole based on _The Princess Bride_. It’s... very interesting, to say the least.”

“I love _The Princess Bride_!” Josephine said delightedly. “And Master Scout said that many of the characters are us?”

“Like there’s ever been a better cast of characters than the ones at Skyhold Academy,” Varric replied with a laugh, accepting his lemonade and grinning his thanks.

“Would you believe Cassandra’s never seen it?” Dorian snickered, lightly elbowing Josephine as she sat down.

Cass cleared her throat. “Are we here to talk about me or here to listen to a story?” she mumbled.

“We could do both, probably. But I’ll bet the kids want the story.” Varric glanced at his pages as Jim reclaimed his seat. “Now, where was I...”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering after that last chapter, yes - smaragdine IS a real word. But I agree with Cole. It shouldn't be.

* * *

**Chapter Two**

* * *

 

 

> Evangeline’s kidnappers drove quite some distance from Skyhold Castle, but after a while, it became apparent to the man with the mustache that a black car was following them. For a while it seemed a mere coincidence, but the longer it went on the more certain he became. It endeavored to keep exactly the same distance from them at all time, yet tracked them through lane changes and random exits. “We’re being followed.”
> 
> “Inconceivable!” Alexius replied. “No one in Orlais knows what we’ve done, and no one in Ferelden could have figured it out so fast. We can all relax, it’s almost over.”
> 
> It was around this time that Evangeline started to regain consciousness, and her first thought was that she should throw herself out of the car. However, since she had more sense than what the Maker gave a grapefruit, she knew that throwing yourself out of a moving vehicle is an excellent way to end up as street pizza. So she stayed quiet and listened, and fervently hoped they’d need to make a pit stop or something.
> 
> She almost had the opportunity to dive into Lake Calenhad and attempt to swim away from her captors, but in an effort to evade their pursuer, the trio of kidnappers veered off of the Redcliffe exit without signaling. To everyone’s surprise, the man in the black car continued to give chase.
> 
> “Dorian,” said Bull, “I think you’re right.”
> 
> “What did I tell you about thinking?” Alexius snapped. “Anyway, whoever he is, he’s too late. See? The Haven of Insanity!” And he pointed triumphantly at what could best be described as a settlement lodged into one side of the mountain.
> 
> For a moment there was silence. Finally, it was Evangeline who spoke. “All right, I’ll bite,” she said, startling the three men. “Why would you leave me _there_?”
> 
> “Haven is positioned exactly halfway between the formal borders of Ferelden and Orlais,” replied Alexius. “It will create all sorts of dramatic tension. Besides, I hate climbing mountains.”

 

Rory, Jim, and Nessa had sort of collapsed into a little heap, laughing hysterically and trying to muffle the sound by burying their faces in their hands or each other’s shoulders.

“I can’t breathe,” Rory managed, wiping tears from her eyes and then starting to laugh all over again.

The teachers were likewise laughing. “Pity, I was sort of looking forward to the mental image of Bull carrying Dorian and Alexius up the mountain,” Josie chortled.

“I thought about it, but I figured it was better to get to the funny bits,” Varric explained.

 

* * *

 

> The kidnappers forced Evangeline to march up the path leading to the Haven of Insanity, although the two who weren’t Alexius did seem worried about keeping her warm and not letting her catch a cold. “What difference does it make if you’re just going to kill me anyway?” she asked.
> 
> “ _He’ll_ kill you,” the one called Dorian corrected her. “Bull and I aren’t much on murder - we just work for Alexius to pay the bills.”
> 
> “You could probably find a less degrading line of work. Have you ever considered piracy? Or telemarketing?”
> 
> “Ouch. I can’t say whether I’m more insulted or impressed by that.” Dorian glanced back, and did a double take. “I think it’s the guy from the car!”
> 
> The stranger was garbed all in black, including a black mask obscuring most of his face and hair. He was following at an almost stealthy distance, but no mistake, he was definitely following. Alexius groaned.
> 
> “All right. You - carry her. You - deal with him.” He pointed at Bull and Dorian in turn. “If he gives up, fine. If not, the sword.”
> 
> “The real sword? Or my rapier wit?”
> 
> “Oh, for - whatever works, I don’t care!”

 

There was a chorus of more giggling, this time with all eyes on Dorian.

“That,” said Cass with a teasing grin, “is spot on, actually.”

“Which part? The part where I magnanimously assist Evvy, or the part about my rapier wit?”

“Both,” Rory chimed in, wearing a sunny smile.

 

> Bull paused long enough to clap his partner on the shoulder. “You be careful,” he said. “People in masks cannot be trusted. They’re usually Orlesian.”
> 
> “Don’t I know it. Farewell, Bull.”
> 
> “Farewell, Dorian.” With that, the mountain of a man picked up the purloined princess and followed Alexius away from the village gates.
> 
> It briefly amused Dorian to think that “The Purloined Princess” was a great name for a bar. After a moment of playful contemplation, he drew his sword and started pacing, waiting for the enemy to get close enough to shout.
> 
> “Hello there!” he called. “Slow going?”
> 
> “I don’t mean to be rude,” said the man in black, “but I’m not fond of hiking and this isn’t quite as easy as I’d hoped, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t make me talk.”
> 
> “I do not suppose you could speed things up?”
> 
> “If you’re in such a hurry to talk to me,” the other man wheezed, “you could come closer.”
> 
> “I could do that,” Dorian admitted. “But I did not think you would trust me, since I’m only waiting around to kill you.”
> 
> “That does put a damper on our relationship.”
> 
> “But,” he continued, “I promise I will _not_ kill you until after we finish speaking.”
> 
> “That’s _very_ comforting,” came the dry response, “but I think you’d best just wait over there.”
> 
> “I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Tevinter?”
> 
> “No good. I’ve known too many Tevinters.”
> 
> “Is there any way you trust me?”
> 
> “Nothing comes to mind.”
> 
> Dorian paused. “I swear on the soul of my favorite author, you will reach the end of our conversation alive.”
> 
> “...very well. Come and speak with me.”

 

Dorian broke out in a merry chuckle. “That works well, actually. Maker knows no one would believe me if I invoked my family’s name to swear by.”

“This is the best thing ever and I can die happy,” Rory said in elation.

“Wait a minute, why are they driving around in cars, but using swords?” Jim whispered.

Rory levelled him with a look of incredulity. “Does it even matter?” she asked in a tone that suggested she was shocked he even thought to ask such a question.

“Well, that’s a fair point,” Varric admitted. “But since all this was just meant to be silly, I figured a couple anachronisms here and there wouldn’t be too bad. I mean, you see weirder than this in your average episode of _Doctor Who_.”

“That’s true,” Jim conceded.

“Besides, _they_ write weirder stuff in fanfiction,” Nessa said, indicating her two friends with her head, both of whom glared back at her.

“We know,” said Josephine, chuckling.

“Actually, you two were sort of my inspiration for this. After all, your stories about Cole’s parents are the stuff of staff room legends.” Varric grinned almost evilly. “We even had them act out the last one you turned in - it was unreal.”

“Your story made them all smile,” Cole confirmed. “It’s good.”

At this bit of news, Rory brought both of her hands to her mouth and stared for several seconds, her eyes the size of saucers. Then, she all but fell against Jim, who gave her arm a comforting little pat.

“My soul has left my body and ascended,” she said slowly. “Remember me fondly.”

Everyone laughed. “I’ll assume that’s a good thing,” said Cass, amused but just slightly bewildered.

“Oh, yeah, it’s good,” Nessa said. “The more something slays Rory with feels, the better it is.”

“She just has so many feels,” Jim added, propping her back up into a sitting position. She looked like she wanted to protest, but after a moment, she just nodded.

“It’s true, I do.”

 

* * *

 

> The two men faced each other, thoughtfully. “So,” said the man in black, “you kept your promise. Now what?”
> 
> “Well, to be honest,” said Dorian, “I was sort of hoping you’d turn out to be a woman in disguise. Er, I don’t mean that the way it sounds - my favorite author was murdered by a gap-toothed woman and I have been hunting her ever since. Cut him down right in front of me while I was getting his autograph! So I had hoped you would turn out to be her and I could kill the two birds with one proverbial stone.”
> 
> “I see. Well, sorry to disappoint you. Also, I’m sorry about your favorite author, that must have been traumatic. I don’t know if mine is even alive or not, he disappeared a few years ago,” the man in black added.
> 
> “Disappeared - oh, you mean Genitivi?”
> 
> “Yes! Surely... surely that’s not who you meant?”
> 
> “Heavens, no. Allow me to say - Genitivi is amazing. I have great respect for his work. But I’m speaking of the author of the magnificent _Hard in Hightown_ , one Varric Tethras.”

 

“Now hold on,” said Dorian, while everyone else (Bull especially) cracked up laughing. “You are many things, Varric, but my favorite author is _not_ one of them.”

“Deny it all you want, Sparkler, but I know you have a copy of my book hidden away that you read at odd moments.”

“I’m going to be ill.”

“Look on the bright side,” Varric offered. “I did _kill myself_ in the story.”

“Not before unleashing that tripe on the world, though.”

“Will you two give it a rest?” Cass complained. “I want to hear what comes next.”

“Oh, I always turn up too late for one of his readings,” said a new voice, and they all turned to welcome Hawke and Fenris to the group. “What’s this, though? Varric is Dorian’s favorite author? Did every other author on the planet die?”

“He is most certainly _not_ my favorite author, although you’ve just described the only scenario I can picture where that might happen,” said Dorian. “And even then it would be iffy at best.”

“Well, it _is_ a fantasy story,” Bull pointed out.

“I suppose.”

“My apologies to the illustrious Hawkes,” said Varric, gesturing for them to sit, “but I couldn’t work you two into this one.”

“Believe me, _Tale of the Champion_ was enough for a lifetime,” Hawke retorted, sitting down and taking a cookie. She gave Cole’s shoulder a pat, knowing that the whole thing was meant to distract him. “But go on, ever since you told me you were doing this I’ve been dying to hear it. We’d have been here sooner but I was on the phone with Bethany - she sends you her love.”

“Naturally.” Varric looked a little smug as he resumed the tale.

 

> “Varric Tethras,” repeated the man in black. “I can’t say I’m familiar with the name. But my condolences for your loss nonetheless - and my commendation for your appreciation of Genitivi. Too few people realize his genius these days.”

 

“Wait a minute,” said Cass. “Are you telling me that the man in black is…”

“Cassandra! Spoilers!” said Josephine, giving her a look of warning.

“What would I be spoiling? Everyone here has seen this movie except me!” she protested.

“Still, no one likes a spoilsport,” Dorian teased.

Meanwhile, the “partners in crime” had dissolved into excited whispers. Rory had laughed until she had quite literally turned completely red. “This is hilarious, I’m going to crack a rib laughing this much, I swear,” she said softly. “Between this, our teachers being amazing, and all the shippy goodness happening here, this is _definitely_ in the running for best day of my life.”

 

* * *

 

> Dorian sighed. “To tell you the truth, I was supposed to duel you to the death,” he said. “To either slay you with my wit and charm or with this. But I _hate_ bloodletting.” He sheathed the sword with a look of distaste.
> 
> “So it’s to be a battle of wits, then?” The man in black looked puzzled. “How... how exactly does that kill anybody?”
> 
> “Well, in an ideal world, you become so humiliated by my overwhelming personality that you hide your face in shame and are never seen again, which is basically as good as being dead.” Dorian paused. “But you’re already hiding your face, so I feel like some of the shine would have been rubbed off of that particular trophy.”
> 
> “All right, what would you suggest, then?”
> 
> “Tell me this.” He was genuinely curious. “Why are you following us so closely?”
> 
> “You carry something of extreme value.”
> 
> “We’re not selling.”
> 
> “That’s all right, I’m not buying.” The man in black paused. “He’s just using you, you know.”
> 
> “I know.” Dorian looked a bit distressed. “But I don’t know what else to do. Setting aside everything else, he’s got Bull with him, and…”
> 
> “I understand. But there are other ways to go about things.”
> 
> “Yes, the princess suggested I might find telemarketing a more noble occupation than abduction.”
> 
> “Did she really? Are you going to look into it?”
> 
> Dorian scoffed. “Please. I do not have a face that was made for cold calling.”

 

“Well, that is true,” the music teacher interjected, turning his head from side to side. “After all, look at this profile. Isn’t it incredible? I picture it in marble. I would be wasted as a telemarketer - although my voice is velvety enough that I could probably sell cats to a Fereldan.”

“You’re probably lucky Cullen isn’t here to hear you say that,” Leliana said with a laugh. “Elissa too. Those are fighting words to someone who has a mabari.”

“Speaking as someone who _does_ have a mabari, I’m inclined to agree,” said Hawke, her eyes playfully narrowed at Dorian. “Not that there’s anything wrong with cats, mind you.”

“Well, about that voice,” said Varric, smirking.

 

> “Actually,” said the man in black, “I do have a different suggestion if you’re interested.”
> 
> “I am, as you say down south, all ears.”
> 
> “There’s a nightclub in Denerim that’s looking for new acts, and I can’t help noticing that you bear more than a passing resemblance to Freddie Mercury… do you sing, by any chance?”
> 
> “Do I sing? Do _I_ sing?” Dorian looked amused and only slightly outraged. “My dear sir, I’ve been told I have a singing voice that would bend the ear of the blessed Andraste herself. I once made six revered mothers weep for an hour when I sang the Chant of Light. I assure you, I sing. A nightclub, you say?”
> 
> “You have to admit, wearing sequins and prancing around onstage would have to be more fun than trying to talk me to death,” said the man in black. “Especially since I could put you in a coma with my plethora of esoteric history knowledge. And if that didn’t work, I could stun you senseless by showing you my tie collection.”
> 
> “You make a compelling argument.”

 

* * *

 

Jim’s curiosity got the better of him and he turned his head slightly in confusion. “So … are they going to duel or not?” he asked.

“Jim. Jim. My sweet summer child,” Rory said, placing both hands on his shoulders. “Does it even matter?”

“I thought there would be a duel.”

“Who cares about that when there is literal _art_ happening here right before our very eyes!”

“Short answer is, no, they aren’t,” Varric clarified. “Because even in story form, I just couldn’t bring myself to let Siren’s two favorite teachers try to kill each other.”

 

> When Alexius realized that the man in black was still on their tail, he was furious. Bull, by comparison, was sad, because it could only mean that Dorian was dead. Even Evangeline could sense his distress, and gave his burly shoulder an awkward pat. “I’m… sorry about your friend.”
> 
> “Never mind that. Give her to me,” Alexius directed him. “Finish him.” He resumed dragging Evangeline off in the direction of the village cabins, leaving Bull to confront the running man as he approached.
> 
> “I wasn’t expecting you so soon,” he remarked casually.
> 
> “So soon?”
> 
> “We assumed we’d be a bit closer to the village by the time one of you caught up with us. At least, that was my understanding.”
> 
> “Sorry, nobody gave me a copy of the script before we started. I’m making this up as I go along.” The man in black shrugged, leaning against a tree to try and catch his breath.
> 
> “Oh, an improv kind of guy? I can respect that. Listen, is Dorian dead?”
> 
> “The man with the black hair and fancy mustache? No, he’s on his way to Denerim to try to break into show business.” Bull arched an eyebrow, and the man in black raised his hands defensively. “I swear by all that’s holy, that is the truth. He seems to think he might be able to use contacts in the music industry to continue his search for the gap-toothed woman.”
> 
> “Oh, he told you about that? I’m surprised, you usually have to know Dorian a bit longer. I think he normally requires a level eight friendship before you can unlock his tragic backstory.”
> 
> “He was hoping I was her, but no such luck. I certainly hope he finds her someday,” the man in black added. “I imagine it will give him great satisfaction to walk up to her and say, ‘Hello. My name is Dorian Pavus. You killed my author. Prepare to die.’”

 

In spite of his protests against Varric being his in-universe favorite author, Dorian nevertheless burst out laughing once more. “All right, that’s clever,” he admitted.

“This is everything I could have ever wanted.” Rory shook her head, smiling from ear to ear.

“Same,” added Nessa.

“Cosigned,” said Jim with a nod.

Beside them, Cole looked ponderous. “Professor… who exactly is the gap-toothed woman? I can’t tell.”

“Excellent question, Cole. And you ask it at just the right time,” said Varric.

 

> While all this was going on, Prince Samson set out from Skyhold Castle with a company of armed guards to track down his missing betrothed. When they found her sketchbook and the Orlesian material in the woods, Samson looked impenetrably grave.
> 
> “Clearly, this was all planned by chevaliers of Orlais,” he told them. “We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.”
> 
> At his side was a woman with golden hair looped in braids. She gave him a serious, searching look. “Could this be a trap?” she wondered.
> 
> “I always think everything is a trap,” he replied, “which is why I’m still alive.”
> 
> The golden-haired woman was Calpernia, and she and Prince Samson had known each other for many years. She was one of the only people in the world he genuinely trusted, which probably says something unfortunate about her personally. But she just gave him a nod and followed him out of the woods as they began to figure out what route the kidnappers would have taken upon stuffing the princess into their getaway vehicle. “Where do you think it’s likely they went?”
> 
> “The Haven of Insanity. I’d bet my life on it,” Samson replied.
> 
> “And you know that how, exactly?”
> 
> “Evangeline’s engagement ring is made from a substance called red lyrium. She thinks it’s a ruby,” he explained. “I have a special scanner in my car here which picks up traces of it, and since I made a point of getting rid of the rest of the red lyrium in Ferelden, I know exactly where she is.”

 

“Red lyrium?” Nessa repeated, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m lost,” Cole admitted.

“Red lyrium is something I found in an old book of Fereldan stories,” Varric explained. “In the days when dwarves were said to live under Thedas, they mined a certain kind of stone called lyrium, which had magical properties. It was usually blue, but the red version of the stuff was believed to be evil. So when I was trying to figure out just how Samson would chase down his missing bride, I thought I would use that.”

“Oh, that makes sense.” Nessa nodded.

“It sounds creepy.” Rory shuddered. “Which fits because this Samson guy is creepy - especially if he worked with Venatori Prep in real life. Oh hey! This Calpernia woman… is she also someone who worked with Venatori Prep?”

“So many questions,” Dorian teased, chuckling fondly.

“She was a teacher at Venatori Prep. Chemistry, I think,” Varric said, nodding. “I only saw her once, when we all had to go testify. She seemed a little… broken, maybe, but still defiant at the same time. I thought she was probably a very interesting person, so I decided she could be my killer.” He chuckled.

The students laughed at that, but Rory made a bit of a face. “Ugh, just thinking about that school freaks me out. Even before… you know, all that horribleness Mrs. Rutherford went through… I thought they were weird. Like at the Chargers game. Setting aside the clock thing, they were still a bunch of creeps.”

“Right, like when they hurt Krem.” Jim shuddered a bit.

“Oh, rats - that’s someone else I couldn’t work into the story,” said Varric, a bit ruefully. “I hope he doesn’t mind.”

It was at that moment that Krem, with such good timing that it was almost comical, walked over in search of Bull. “Oh, Coach, there you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.” He glanced around the assembly with an air of confusion. “Uh… why are you all staring at me?”

Everyone cracked up laughing at that, and Bull gave him a brief rundown. “So it was just an amazing bit of timing. Pull up a patch of grass, have a cookie.”

“Oh, well, the rest of the Chargers _definitely_ need to hear about this.” He chuckled, pulling out his phone and sending a quick text before taking a seat next to Cole with one of the offered cookies.

“Is this courtyard going to be big enough for my audience?” Varric asked, laughing. “Maybe I should have gone outside to where we had the wedding reception.”

“I’m sure it’s within the realm of possibility that the entire student body will find us eventually,” Dorian said with a grin. “But provided no one needs this courtyard for anything pressing, we should be fine. For now.”

“Well, let’s see what happens.”

 

* * *

 

> Once Bull knew that Dorian was alive and unharmed, he was even more reluctant to kill the man in black than he’d already been. “Maybe I should go to Denerim too,” he mused.
> 
> “I’m sure the nightclub would have you as a bouncer,” the man in black suggested.
> 
> “That’s a great idea... okay, I’m out. Stay safe, Alexius isn’t as open to negotiation.”
> 
> “I guessed as much. But thanks.”
> 
> With the second obstacle peacefully removed, the man in black advanced to the final confrontation. Alexius was waiting for him in front of the largest building in the settlement, with a nice little picnic spread; in the middle distance stood a trebuchet, all loaded and calibrated. “So,” he said pleasantly, “it is down to you and it is down to me.”
> 
> The man in black took a step forward, then another. “Oh, if you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward,” Alexius continued, pointing at Evangeline. She was bound, hand and foot, with a blindfold over her eyes.
> 
> The man in black froze, hesitant. “Allow me to explain.”
> 
> “What’s to explain? You’re trying to kidnap what I’ve rightfully stolen.”
> 
> “Perhaps... an arrangement can be reached?”
> 
> “There will be no arrangements,” said Alexius, darkly, “and you’re killing her.” He brought a knife to Evangeline’s throat, and she stiffened in fear.
> 
> “Well, if there can be no arrangements, then we are at an impasse.”
> 
> “I’m afraid so. I can’t compete with you physically, and you’re no match for my brains.”
> 
> “You’re that smart?”
> 
> “Let me put it this way. Ever heard of Calenhad?”
> 
> “Of course, the man who united Ferelden.”
> 
> “He was a moron compared to my tactical genius.” He stood then, catching Evangeline by the wrist. “You’ve beaten my swordsman, which means you’re exceptionally clever, because few people can out-talk him. You’ve also beaten my giant, which means you’re incredibly strong. So you could have come here expecting either your strength or your brains to save you. But neither one will work, because you’re too late! I’m going to fulfill my plans if it’s the last thing I do!”
> 
> Alexius pulled out a strange amulet, which began to glow. “I will rewind time and make it so that you never existed to interfere!”
> 
> There was then a flash of light so bright that Evangeline could see it through her blindfold. She felt Alexius’s grip leave her wrist, so she raised her bound hands to pull off the blindfold. The man in black was gone - wait, no he wasn’t. He stood there blinking for a moment.
> 
> “I’m afraid you’ll have to do better than that,” he said politely. He reached out and seized the floating amulet, crushing it in his gloved hand.
> 
> Alexius went to his knees. “You’ve won,” he said miserably.

 

The kids all exchanged a glance with each other, then peered back at the teachers, who were doing likewise.

“Wait, what?” said Nessa at last.

“It totally makes sense that a fantasy version of Coach Alexius would mess with time,” Krem added. “But I’m confused... what exactly happened to the man in black?”

“Did you really think I wouldn’t explain that?” Varric asked.

“You never explain anything,” Bull replied. “Like when I asked why all the bad guys in _Hard in Hightown_ seem to just drop out of the sky.”

“That’s true, Varric,” Cassandra added. “You do the same thing in _Swor_ -” her voice dropped off abruptly and her eyes went wide.

“Go ahead, Cassandra, finish your sentence.” Dorian smirked.

“I’m - I’m much more interested to hear the explanation as to what happened with this mysterious amulet,” she stammered, having suddenly turned a shade of red so dark it seemed she had borrowed it from Cullen.

“If you’d all keep your shirts on and let me read,” said Varric, just faintly peevish, “I’ll explain exactly what happened.”

 

> The man in black removed the ropes binding Evangeline’s wrists and ankles, and used them to restrain Alexius in the same manner. “Well, that was bracing,” he commented, pulling her to her feet. “Let’s get moving, Highness.”
> 
> “You’re just going to leave him here?”
> 
> “I have a feeling someone will come along and collect him, don’t worry. We’ve got ground to cover, and I’m tired, so start walking.”
> 
> Reluctantly she allowed him to pull her along as he started down the mountain trail opposite of the one they had all used to reach this point. “So he… tried a spell? And it didn’t work?” she ventured.
> 
> “On the contrary, it worked rather well,” the man in black replied. “The man - I understand his name is Alexius - sent me backward in time, but not as far as he’d hoped. I went back an entire year, and had to fight my way back to this very spot to confront him and make use of his amulet to send myself back to when I belonged.”
> 
> “That’s impossible,” she protested. “You were gone for perhaps thirty seconds!”
> 
> “I myself am often surprised by life’s little quirks,” he mused. “But it’s true. I came back to my starting point and removed his ability to try again. Believe me, I don’t want to deal with _that_ all over.”
> 
> “Who are you?” she demanded.
> 
> “I am no one you want as an opponent in a trivia match or a chess game. That is all you ever need know.”

 

“Yes! Chess reference!” Jim said triumphantly, then demurred a bit. “Sorry.”

“It's true, though, have you ever done a trivia match with the man? It's eerie,” Dorian added.

“What did I say about spoilers?” Josie admonished him lightly.

“Yes, now who's the spoilsport?” Cass teased.

“Professor Tethras,” said Cole, frowning slightly, “why didn’t the spell work? Mother didn’t realize the problem and stop it like she did with the real time clock. She couldn’t, she was tied up.”

“I know, Kid. I’ll be honest - some parts of the story were really tricky to write,” Varric admitted. “The movie didn’t quite translate perfectly to what goes on around here. I did the best I could, I promise.”

“How cool would it be to see what went on during that spell?” Rory mused, then shifted her glance to Jim, who was likewise glancing in her direction. “Fanfic!” they both said at once, their eyes glinting at the prospect of a new project.

Varric started laughing. “I’m being outflexed by my own students.”

“Ah, such is the way of the world,” said Dorian, chuckling. “If we are at all successful in our jobs, it means we are eventually met and occasionally surpassed.”

“That might be the wisest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Sparkler.”

 

* * *

 

> Prince Samson and the searching party found the abandoned cars which had brought both Alexius’s party and the man in black to the base of the Frostbacks. Samson immediately began examining the ground, while Calpernia watched him in complete confusion. “There was... a brief but mighty duel... of words,” he said finally. “The loser ran off alone, while the winner followed those footprints... toward the Haven of Insanity.”
> 
> “Shall we track them both?” she inquired.
> 
> “The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters.”
> 
> They slowly climbed the path leading to the abandoned settlement, and abruptly, the prince halted. He knelt and sniffed a rock, then touched a footprint thoughtfully. “Someone has beaten a giant,” he declared loudly. “There will be great suffering in Orlais if she dies.”
> 
>  
> 
> While all this was going on, the man in black was leading Evangeline across the mountain, trying to find a different way out. “Rest, Highness,” he said abruptly, dropping her onto a vaguely chair-shaped rock formation.
> 
> “I know who you are,” she cried. “Your mild indifference and lack of specificity reveals everything! You’re the Dread Pirate Blackwall - admit it!”
> 
> “With pride.” He gave her a mocking bow. “What can I do for you?”
> 
> “You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.”
> 
> He tsked at her. “Hardly complimentary, Your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?”
> 
> “You killed my love.”
> 
> “Possibly. I kill a lot of people. So you’re telling me that you do not love your fiancé, then?”
> 
> “He knows I do not love him.” She turned away from him, even though he didn’t raise a hand to her because let’s face it, he wouldn’t.

 

“Hold on,” said a new voice. “Am I hearing my name taken in vain?” Blackwall and Solas were joining the party in the courtyard. “What’s this about?”

“Hopefully we’re not interrupting,” Solas added, lifting an eyebrow and chuckling slightly. “But I heard there was some storytelling going on.”

“Skyhold Academy meets _The Princess Bride_ ,” Bull informed them. “We just learned that the man in black is really the Dread Pirate Blackwall.”

“I couldn’t find another way to fit you into the story, Hero, sorry.”

“Well, I suppose it sort of works,” Blackwall said with a shrug as he and Solas sat down.

“Has _everyone_ seen this movie except me?” Cass interjected.

“Really? You’ve never seen _The Princess Bride_ , Cassandra?” queried Solas. “That surprises me.”

“We’ve already made plans to make her watch it once we’re done here,” Josephine assured him. “This grievous error shall be rectified.”

“Assuming we ever _get_ done here,” Varric added. “I never manage to get out more than a couple paragraphs before I have to stop.”

There was a general murmuring of apologies, from both the students and the teachers. Immediately he relented. “Ah, it’s okay. As long as Cole doesn’t mind - this is _his_ story, after all.”

Cole shook his head. “I don’t mind!”

“Well then, do please continue,” Solas remarked at last. “I’m curious to see where this goes.”

“Right. Let’s see…”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've seen/read The Princess Bride (and I'm assuming you have), you know that the Dread Pirate Roberts sailed the seas on the pirate ship Revenge. Well, the Dread Pirate Blackwall is a land pirate, so we had to give him a somewhat different mode of transportation...

* * *

**Chapter Three**

* * *

 

 

> “You mock my pain,” Evangeline bleated.
> 
> “Life _is_ pain, Highness,” he replied. “Anyone who says differently is selling something.” The Dread Pirate Blackwall began to pace, while she struggled to ignore him. “I remember this love of yours, I think,” he continued. “This would be, what - five months ago?” He studied her keenly. “Does it bother you to hear?”
> 
> “Nothing you can say will upset me.”
> 
> “He died well; that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, ‘Please. Please, I need to live.’ I asked what was so important for him. ‘True love,’ he replied.” She looked up at him, and he leveled her with an unfriendly stare. “And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness - I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for killing him before he found out what you _really_ are.”
> 
> Indignant, she shot to her feet. “And what am I?!”
> 
> “The faithfulness he talked of, madam, your enduring faithfulness! Tell me truly, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?”
> 
> “You mocked me once - never do it again! _I died that day_.”
> 
> They glared at each other for a moment, and then he looked away, diverted by a flash in the distance. The sunlight glared off of Samson’s crimson armor as the rescue party approached their destination. Evangeline, however, was not distracted.
> 
> “You can die too, for all I care,” she said, and with all her strength she pushed him. But what satisfaction she took from his plummet was short lived, for she heard his voice echoing as he tumbled down the mountainside.
> 
> “I... must... be... goiiiiiiiiiiing...”
> 
> “ _Cullen_?” She stared after him for a moment, horrified. “Oh, you idiot unicorn, what have I done?” And she plunged after him without a second thought.

While there were some assorted giggles at that, Cassandra put both of her hands over her heart and sighed a dreamy, almost distracted sigh. “So romantic,” she intoned.

Hilariously enough, from her own seat, Rory was making an identical gesture.

 

> “He’s disappeared,” said Samson.
> 
> “Who _is_ he?” asked Calpernia.
> 
> “I don’t know, but he tied up this man and made off with my princess, so whoever he is, he’s my enemy.” Samson shrugged. “And now he disappeared. He must have seen us closing in, which may account for his panicking into error. Unless I am wrong, and I am never wrong, they are heading straight into the Korcari Wilds.”
> 
> “You sure it’s not the Arbor Wilds?”
> 
> “We’re on the wrong side of the Frostbacks for that. And it’s near winter, which means the Wilds will be... hold on, where’s that book...” Samson fished around in his gear until he found a copy of _Walking the Earth_. “Right. ‘A treacherous labyrinth of iced-over waterways.’ Assuming they even survive the place, we can wait for them on the far side.”
> 
> “You carry that around with you?” Calpernia eyed him.
> 
> “It’s a library book and it’s overdue. I keep it with me in case I get over that way so I can drop it off.”

 

* * *

Again, this was met with a chorus of quiet giggles, but also a high-pitched shriek, which came from none other than Rory. Her eyes went wide and she flailed her hands with such intensity that she very nearly smacked Jim in the face.

“Oh, again with the _treacherous labyrinth of iced-over waterways_ thing.” Nessa groaned, but didn’t actually seem to mind too much.

“I...  _may_ have taken my inspiration from a specific writing assignment,” Varric said teasingly.

“Sweet Maker, I may actually die,” Rory said, her mouth dropping open and the look in her eyes one of mingled shock and euphoria.

“Father likes that line,” Cole added, innocently oblivious as usual. “He calls it the most beautiful line in an already beautiful book and then Mother laughs a little. I don’t know why.”

“Okay, I’m _definitely_ going to die,” she amended.

“Didn’t Evvy record an audio version of the book for Cullen?” Leliana asked Cassandra. “I know she mentioned that she was going to look into it.”

“She did,” Cass confirmed. “He listens to it while he jogs.”

“I thought I noticed that those jogs were suddenly much longer.” Dorian smirked.

“I’m literally. Going. To die.”

“Much longer?” Josephine repeated. “He actually extended his run just so he could listen to the book? That’s so funny and cute.”

“Well, you know what we always say - _so cute it’s stupid_ ,” Dorian said, and several of the assembled teachers joined him in what had become the signature phrase regarding the Rutherfords.

For her part, Rory merely sagged against Jim’s shoulder as if she had swooned while her two friends fanned her with their hands. “Our fanon is canon,” she whispered.

“I’ll give Miss Norbertson a chance to recover before I continue,” said Varric, taking a long drink of his lemonade. “Sparkler? Anything on your phone? I figure you’ll hear before anyone else.”

“Just a text from Cullen letting me know he’s still waiting,” Dorian confirmed, glancing at his phone screen. “Poor man must be a ball of nerves, I’m sure.”

“Give him our love,” said Josephine. “Evvy too. I’m sure no one is more anxious for this to be over than she is.”

“Wait, how about we do one better? What do you say to taking a group picture? That will make them both smile,” Dorian suggested.

“Great idea! Come on, everybody, get together.” The assemblage clustered around Varric and waved at Dorian as he snapped the shot.

“And... sent,” he said. After several seconds, he chuckled. “He says, ‘Thanks, we both needed that.’ All right, Varric, keep our minds off the waiting.”

“Well, to be perfectly honest, I got a little tired... so expect some timeskips coming,” Varric warned.

“That’s fine. Besides, I’m sure any material you don’t cover we can look for in an upcoming fanfiction,” Cass said, smiling in Jim and Rory’s direction.

“Hey, you guys should totally send me those fanfictions, yeah?” Krem said, nodding at both of his classmates in turn, who both stared back at him with their mouths open.

“Yeah. Sure. Of course. Count on it,” Rory replied, a little breathlessly.

The teachers exchanged some amused looks over the students’ heads. “Right, so... back to the story,” said Varric, smirking.

 

> Once they had skidded to a halt, Cullen discarded his mask and moved to scoop Evangeline into his arms. “Can you move at all?” he asked, anxiously.
> 
> “Move? You’re alive! If you want, I can fly.”
> 
> He embraced her firmly for a moment. “I told you’d I’d always come for you - why didn’t you wait for me?”
> 
> “I’m sorry... when the news came that you were dead, that you were _murdered..._  I hardly knew what to do or think. And then the prince came along. I don’t love him, I barely even like him, but the law is the law. So I agreed. You were dead; I was as good as dead inside.”
> 
> “Death cannot stop true love,” he told her. “All it can do is delay it for a while.”
> 
> “I will never doubt again,” she promised.
> 
> “There will never be a need.”

 

Varric paused and coughed. “The audience is encouraged to use their imaginations here. But as I said at the outset, this _is_ a kissing book.”

Nessa, Jim, and Rory all exchanged a glance at that, smiling. Rory had been occupying herself by silently mouthing along with the familiar lines, but now she paused and placed a finger to her chin in thought. “He pulled her close, pressing his lips to hers, and the landscape melted away. The sky above them and the ground below faded until there was nothing but the two of them wrapped in each other’s embrace... Oh, Jim, that’s good, write that down.”

“I don’t have a pen,” he protested.

“Good thing I do,” she said quickly, pulling one out from behind her ear. She began to scribble on, of all things, her hand.

“Aw, no, don’t do that. Here.” Krem pulled a small notebook out of his pocket and tossed it to her. “Mostly football strategy notes, but there’s some blank pages at the back.”

She caught it, but just barely, and blinked for several seconds. “What do we say, Rory?” Nessa teased, elbowing her gently.

“Oh. Oh! Uh, thanks, that’s really nice of you…” She immediately stooped to begin writing furiously, her cheeks a little pink as she did so.

Varric caught Cassandra’s eye and grinned. “So. As I was saying...”

 

* * *

> The Korcari Wilds, unfortunately, lived up to their vivid description. To help keep Evangeline’s mind off of their discomfort as they traveled, Cullen began to explain how he’d survived his ordeal.
> 
> “You see, everything I told you about saying ‘please’ was true,” he said. “It intrigued Blackwall, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally he decided that he would make me his valet. ‘We’ll try it for tonight; I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.’ For weeks he said that. ‘Good night, Cullen, good work, sleep well, I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.’ It was a fine time for me; I was learning to fence and fight and all kinds of things, even while we were marauding throughout Ferelden. He doesn’t _really_ kill his captives, you know.”
> 
> “But his reputation -”
> 
> “Oh, I know. He lets that get spread around, it makes people surrender more quickly. Then he sets them free and they have an interesting story to tell about how they were the only survivors of the encounter. I’m pretty sure that eventually this is going to be a problem, but since Ferelden’s fairly large and he’s only been around for the past thirty years or so, it’s held out fairly well.”
> 
> “This is… a lot to accept.”
> 
> “I haven’t even gotten to the big reveal yet, be patient.”
> 
> “There’s _more_?”
> 
> “Blackwall and I eventually became friends. Then one night, he took me to his cabin, and he told me his secret. ‘I am not the Dread Pirate Blackwall,’ he said. ‘My name is Thom Rainier. I inherited the title from the previous Dread Pirate Blackwall, just as you will inherit it from me.’ As it turns out, the _real_ Blackwall has been retired for the past fifteen years or so, living like a king in Antiva City. Well, the Blackwall who captured me wanted to retire too, so we dismissed the crew and took on a new bunch, and he stuck around for a while as first mate, all the while calling me Blackwall. Once the crew believed, he left and I’ve been Blackwall ever since. But now that we’re together again, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else.” He paused, and studied her incredulous face. “Is everything clear to you?”
> 
> “Not even slightly. There are a _lot_ of holes in that story.”
> 
> “I know. All I can tell you is what was told to me.”
> 
> “But it doesn’t begin to make sense.”
> 
> “Tell me about it. I lived through it and it doesn’t make sense!”
> 
> “Actually,” said Evangeline thoughtfully, “the thing I have the hardest time following is the whole notion of land pirates. How does that even work?”
> 
> “Well, we have a long hike ahead of us and plenty of time for me to try to explain,” he offered.
> 
> “Which brings me to another question. Isn’t all this marauding and adventuring causing your heart to be even weaker than it was when you left me?”
> 
> “Probably, but for right now, I feel fine.”

 

“That was some oddly specific backstory for a character as minor as the Dread Pirate Blackwall,” Cass said, cocking her head. “No offense, real Blackwall.”

“None taken. I was a little surprised myself,” he noted.

“Look, I’ve explained this before,” said Varric. “I have no control over the things my characters do or say, I just write down what they tell me. Besides, it’s not _that_ different from the actual backstory of the Dread Pirate Roberts.”

“Words, so many words,” Cole said, nodding. “Words that spring to mind unbidden, creating worlds where there were none.”

Rory and Jim likewise nodded. “Yeah. It’s sometimes like running your own insane asylum.” Rory agreed.

“Best description I’ve ever heard,” Varric conceded. “Storytellers are just vessels, General. Conduits. We have very little control.”

“But you said you can fix anything,” Cole reminded him.

“Also true. We have both absolute control and almost none at all. It’s a strange arrangement, I wish I could explain it better.”

“Writing is hard,” Jim said.

“But worth it,” Rory added. “Especially when it leads to things that are as fun as this.” She nodded in the direction of the pages in Varric’s hand.

“Completely worth it for reactions like yours,” Varric agreed.

 

* * *

> The trek across the Korcari Wilds took almost an entire day. Evangeline was ready to collapse by the time they emerged near the village of Lothering, where Cullen explained that his pirate crew waited with another black car, similar to the one with which he had pursued Evvy’s kidnappers. From there they would travel back to the _Revengine_ , the black locomotive belonging to the Dread Pirate Blackwall, and he would figure out some way to get out of the whole pirating business. He was fairly sure he knew someone who knew someone who could take over for him.
> 
> Unfortunately, when they emerged, what they found instead was Prince Samson and his company. “Surrender,” said the prince.
> 
> “You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept,” Cullen replied.
> 
> “Nice try. I acknowledge you to be both clever and brave, but I am taking my princess and going home.”
> 
> And he did exactly that, with Evangeline looking and feeling more than a little confused. It all happened so fast that she didn’t really have time to voice an opinion one way or another; to be fair, though, she was such a nice girl that she would have tried to find a way to resolve the conflict without anyone’s feelings getting hurt, and Prince Samson just didn’t have that kind of time.
> 
> Cullen was left with Calpernia, and right away he noticed the gap between her teeth. “Hey, I think I know someone who wants a word with you.”
> 
> “I get that a lot,” she replied. “Come on, he’s got something creative lined up for you.”

 

“Ohhhhh no,” Rory said, drawing her knees up to her chest. “I don’t know if I can handle this next part, poor Professor Rutherford.”

“Rors, spoilers. Professor Pentaghast doesn’t know what comes next,” Jim reminded her.

“Hey, if anybody can get through this, it’s Professor R,” said Krem amiably. He gave Rory a reassuring little smile.

She let out a small squeak at that. After a moment, she cleared her throat. “Yeah. Totally. You’re completely right,” she managed, hugging her knees a bit tighter.

Behind the students, Bull was watching the entire exchange with a steadily deepening sense of amusement, grinning from ear to ear. He elbowed Dorian a bit and gestured with his head; Dorian picked up on his meaning and merely smiled, looking like he was trying not to chuckle.

It was at that moment that a new voice cut in. “Hello, hello, I hope I'm not interrupting.” They turned to see Michel de Chevin making his way across the courtyard, lifting his hand in a wave. “Any news from the Rutherfords?”

“Nothing new, I’m afraid,” said Josephine. “All we’ve heard so far is that Evvy is doing a lot of swearing.”

“Oh, I imagine so. Poor woman. I am praying that all goes smoothly for her.” He looked around at the tiny throng. “What are you all up to in the meantime?”

Dorian explained the story and how they had all slowly assembled for its reading. Michel chuckled. “I should have guessed it was something of that nature. May I join you?”

“The more the merrier, Champion,” Varric replied, gesturing to one of the unclaimed seats. “Though we’re about a quarter of the way through already - I’m going to have to make sure there are printed copies for everyone so nobody misses anything, huh?”

“Probably a good idea.” Hawke chuckled. “Especially since I figure more people will join before this is over.”

“Does that include us?” Rory asked, looking up from her balled up position with something like eager hope in her eyes.

“You want a copy, Sonnet, I’ll make sure you get one.”

Her eyes widened. “Is that my nickname? Do I get a nickname now too?” She glanced over at her friends. “You guys, I can’t even.”

Varric laughed. “If you want it, it’s yours. All right, shall we continue?”

“Of course,” said Cassandra. She looked hilariously riveted. “What happens to Cullen - er, that is, the fictional Cullen - next?”

“Well, about that...”

> Cullen, being not especially pleased by the turn of events, had to be knocked out with a magic spell in order to make him come along quietly. So when he woke up, he was mildly alarmed but not especially surprised to find himself tied down in what looked to be some kind of underground dungeon. He glanced around in some perplexity, trying to figure out exactly where he was and how he could best be someplace else.
> 
> A bald man with no shoes entered the room at that moment, carrying a tray of what looked like medicines and also food. “Where am I?” Cullen asked.
> 
> “That depends entirely on how you choose to view it,” the man replied in a calm, almost lulling voice. He started tending to an injury Cullen had barely noticed on one of his shoulders. “You are either in the Pit of Despair or the Zoo of Death.”
> 
> “...what’s the difference?”
> 
> “One is from the movie version and the other is from the book. For your purposes, I strongly recommend the movie version. It will make the rescue montage much shorter.”
> 
> “Duly noted,” said Cullen, mystified. “And you are?”
> 
> “Prince Samson calls me the Dread Wolf, mostly because I’m the only one who can get near the animals in the Zoo of Death. Someone has to feed them, after all. There’s no point in you knowing my real name; we won’t have much time to be acquainted.” The Dread Wolf shrugged. “You won’t be here for very long.”
> 
> “Then... why are you treating and feeding me?”
> 
> “Well, the Prince and Lady Calpernia always insist on people being healthy before they’re broken.” He said this in such a matter-of-fact way, Cullen was convinced the man needed years of extensive therapy.
> 
> “So it’s to be torture? Well, I can cope with torture.” He glanced at the Dread Wolf, who was shaking his head. “You don’t believe me?”
> 
> “You survived the Korcari Wilds, so I’m sure you’re very brave. It’s just that nobody withstands... the Machine.”
> 
> Cullen paused. “The way you say that is very dramatic. Have you had acting lessons?”
> 
> “I’ve studied many disciplines over the years; theatrics are one of them. It makes my day a little less dull. Well, here, let’s get some food into you, shall we? You must be hungry.”

 

“Hungry like the wolf, perhaps?” Dorian interrupted, lifting an eyebrow teasingly.

“I’ll admit,” said Solas, chuckling, “I wondered whether I had a role to play. I suppose it could be worse.”

“I couldn’t leave you out, Chuckles,” Varric assured him.

“Have you studied acting in real life, Solas?” Cassandra asked.

“I don’t think that was supposed to be the takeaway there, Cass.” Hawke laughed.

“Perhaps not, but to answer the question, my story counterpart is actually quite accurate. I _have_ studied a number of disciplines over the years, including theatrics.” He shrugged lightly. “When one needs to hold the attention of teenagers who aren’t necessarily as captivated by science as I am, one needs to have a few tricks up his sleeve.”

“That’s actually very clever,” said Cass.

“You,” said Dorian, turning to face Solas, “are an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in no shoes.”

“Thank you.”

 

* * *

> Meanwhile, to the profound grief of all concerned, King Mahanon died that night, and before the following dawn, Prince Samson and Evangeline were married. At noon, she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen. It was pretty much a straight-up rehash of the day she was first introduced to them as Princess Evangeline, except this time, there was one old woman who refused to kneel before her. Instead, she kept screaming the word “ _Boo!_ ” over and over again.
> 
> Evangeline studied her in bewilderment. “Halloween isn’t for another few months,” she said finally. “Are you working on your ghost costume? You might try to sound a little less frantic.”
> 
> “I’m _booing_ you, you half-wit,” came the reply. “As in expressing my disapproval of you. I’m not _haunting_ you.”
> 
> “...right. Why are you doing this?”
> 
> “Because you had love in your hands! And you gave it up!”
> 
> “No, no I did not,” Evangeline corrected her. “I didn’t get a say in the matter when the Prince pulled me onto his horse and took me away from Cullen. None of this has been my idea.”
> 
> “You just go along with what everyone else decides for you, then? Why weren’t you this accommodating when _I_ wanted to arrange a marriage for you? Brat! Ungrateful wretch!”
> 
> “Ohh, Aunt Lucille. I thought you looked familiar.” Evangeline sighed.
> 
> “Boo! Boo! Slime! Filth!”
> 
> A moment later, she sat up in bed, breathing hard. It was ten days until the wedding; King Mahanon still lived; but her nightmares were growing steadily worse. And more confusing too. She climbed out of bed, grabbed a flimsy excuse for a bathrobe, and made her way to Prince Samson’s office. He and Calpernia looked up in surprise when she entered.
> 
> “Let’s be honest,” she said. “We barely know each other, and the truth is that I still love my ex. You know, the guy in the woods? I’m really not on board with the whole princess thing like I thought I was. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.”
> 
> He blinked at her. “I suppose that can be arranged instead.”

 

Cassandra gasped in shock. “How terrible! How do I have such a horrible son? I mean... how does the queen in the story have such a horrible son? That is what I meant.”

“I only know what the characters tell me,” Varric replied. “But my theory is that he ate some bad deep mushrooms and they altered his personality. It wasn’t his parents’ fault, I promise.”

“Well, good. Oddly enough, that’s a relief,” she said.

“And here I thought you were going to say he didn’t get enough hugs,” Dorian remarked.

“Ugh, no, that’s the worst mental image ever,” Rory put in, grimacing. “I wouldn’t hug that guy for a million royals.”

“Especially since there are probably like _so_ many other people you’d rather hug, right?” Nessa teased while Jim laughed.

“I hate you both so much right now.” She glared.

“Fight nice, children,” said the author, mildly.

> “Er… seriously?”
> 
> “Well, no. I mean, that wouldn’t look very good, now,” he said. “What I’m suggesting, Princess, is a deal. Calpernia, you put this Cullen fellow - that was the name, yes? - back on his train or whatever it was, right?”
> 
> “I did exactly as you requested, Your Highness,” she replied.
> 
> “Great. Okay, so here’s what we’ll do. Princess, you write up a letter telling Cullen to come back and get you. I’ll send my best engineer to hunt down the _Revengine_. He’ll read the letter, and if he comes for you, fine. If not, you’ll marry me instead. That way we don’t, you know, disappoint the people and things like that. Sound fair?”
> 
> She considered it. “All right, agreed.”
> 
> “Good. Now please go put on something more substantial before you catch your death of cold.” He eyed the robe in some confusion. “Remind me to fire your wardrobe assistant.”
> 
> Once Evangeline had left them, Samson and Calpernia finished their business before taking a leisurely stroll to the Pit/Zoo/whatever. “Your princess is quite a tolerable creature,” said Calpernia. “Bit of a twit, if you ask me, but not hard on the eyes.”
> 
> “I know, the people are quite taken with her. I heard there’s actually a poetry contest to write the best sonnet about her eye color.” Samson shrugged. “Hard to work _smaragdine_ into a poem, if you ask me.”

 

Jim, Nessa, Rory, and Cole all groaned. “That word hurts me,” Rory said. “Physically hurts me. The idea of it being in a poem is just... wrong.”

“Look on the bright side, kids,” said Varric. “If you ever end up on _Jeopardy!_ and that word comes up, you’ll know the answer.”

“You know, our lives are just strange enough that I can totally buy that happening,” Jim said, considering the thought and nodding.

“I feel like I’ve missed something,” said Krem. “What _is_ that word?”

“Apparently it means ‘emerald green’, I guess,” Nessa reported. “We were all baffled by it too.”

“Rory’s totally going to use it in a poem someday, aren’t you, Rors?” Jim added.

“Not a chance,” she replied.

“I might make it a bonus question on the next vocabulary test,” said Varric, “just to make sure you all remember the gloriously awful experience of seeing it with your own eyes.”

“That’s cruel, Varric,” Dorian interjected, laughing.

“Hey, bonus points are bonus points, no matter how awful the word is,” Hawke said.

“See? Somebody understands me,” Varric joked.

“I don’t know if I’d go _that_ far.”

> Samson begged off of watching Calpernia torture the prisoner. “You know how much I love to watch you work,” he said. “But I’ve got my country’s anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Orlais to frame for it. I’m swamped.”
> 
> So she went downstairs alone, to where Cullen - pretty well healed and decently fed - was waiting. The Dread Wolf brought out the Machine, which Cullen studied thoughtfully. “I’ve never seen anything quite like it,” he said, “but what does it do?”
> 
> “ _Kaffas_ ,” she replied. “I have no need to answer your inquiries. You could never hope to understand. All you need to know is this - your life will be drained until you are nothing but an empty shell. After that, well, maybe I’ll take up taxidermy. You’d make a fun prop.”
> 
> “You know, if you don’t mind, I think I’d rather not…”
> 
> She ignored him and set about doing whatever it was that she had to do. Something with suction cups, and a big meter, and... eh, I don’t know, water. It was the greatest torture device in the history of torture devices.

 

The reading had to briefly pause as the kids giggled uncontrollably. Dorian merely held out his arm in a confused half-shrug. “What, did you run out of words?”

“Something like that.” Varric smirked. “It worked for _Hard in Hightown_ , so I thought, why not?”

“Oh, yes, that’s right - that’s how you describe the _Dragon’s Jewels_.” Cassandra chuckled. “The greatest boat in the history of boats.”

“One of the finer lines in the story, was it?” Dorian snarked.

“People get a kick out of it because there’s a sort of realism to it,” Varric explained. “Like the boat is so overwhelmingly awesome that even _I’m_ at a loss for words.”

“Mm.” The noise Dorian made in response sounded entirely unconvinced.

“Circling back to a previous point, writing is just hard sometimes,” Jim said, nodding as if he understood.

“Atta boy, Bishop. We writers have to stick together.” Varric nodded.

“...I have a chess nickname.” Jim looked immensely pleased. “This is the best day ever.”

“Bishop and Sonnet,” Rory said ponderously. “We sound like we fight crime.”

“Well, maybe you will someday.” Varric chuckled. “So… any cookies left, perchance?”

“A few,” Leliana reported, passing the plate down. “Do we need another refreshment run?”

“Or a moment to check for news from the Rutherfords, perhaps?” Josephine added.

“Both. Both is good.” Varric claimed the few remaining cookies for himself and drank deeply of the lemonade.

Cassandra immediately pulled out her phone to text Cullen for an update. Meanwhile, Rory lifted her hand to volunteer to play errand girl.

“Jimmy went last time, I can go this time,” she offered. “As long as I don’t miss anything, of course.”

“I’ll wait, don’t worry,” said Varric. “I’d like to hear the update before I continue anyway.”

But by the time Rory returned, there was still no answer. “I guess... things are busy,” said Josephine, hesitantly. “Perhaps he has his phone turned off just now.”

“That’s probably it,” Cass agreed quickly, stowing her own phone to keep from obsessively checking it. “Knowing Cullen, he’s probably pacing a bit to keep busy or something like that.” She gave a nervous chuckle.

“Or buying out the cafeteria’s entire supply of decaf coffee,” said Blackwall. “I’m sure everything’s fine.”

“Yes. Certainly. Quite right,” said Dorian, trying his best to not look like he was crawling out of his skin with anxiety. “Well, uh... I guess we should continue then?”

“We should. Hang in there, Sparkler.” Varric’s tone was merely genial, but his expression was sympathetic.

 

* * *

> Cullen thought that he could withstand what Calpernia had planned for him. After all, he knew some tricks; he’d learned how to send his mind into the Fade and distance himself from his body. Don’t ask how, because I don’t get it, but I hear it works if you can manage it. Anyway, he figured that he could just do that again.
> 
> Cullen had never been more wrong in his entire life.
> 
> It took a few minutes after Calpernia finished her ministrations for him to stop screaming. “I’ve just drained one year of your life away,” she informed him idly. “Honestly, you did better with it than I expected; I’m impressed. Tomorrow we’ll raise the bar to two. For now, get some rest, have something to eat, and I’ll see you then.”
> 
> She left him to the care of the Dread Wolf, who seemed perturbed by the whole thing, and made her way to Samson’s office to report on the matter. “Just out of curiosity,” she said, “why are you so bent on breaking this man anyway?”
> 
> “Because I don’t _like_ him.”
> 
> “Oh. Fair enough.”
> 
> It continued this way for the next few days, with more and more of Cullen’s life being drained from his body and Evangeline periodically inquiring of her betrothed whether there was any word from him. All things considered, she was starting to think she’d made a mistake in trusting the prince as far as she could throw him - but that’s because, as I already stated, she had more sense than the Maker gave your average grapefruit. The King and Queen were kind to her and she felt she owed it to them to at least live through the wedding, so she soldiered on.
> 
> Finally, however, the morning of the wedding dawned. There was no word from Cullen. She had never felt more alone, not even when she thought he was dead, and with a heavy heart she walked into Samson’s office after breakfast to essentially concede defeat.
> 
> “It won’t be so bad. Tonight we marry; tomorrow, my best engineer will take us by train to the coast, where every ship in Ferelden’s armada will accompany us on our honeymoon.”
> 
> “Your best engineer?” she repeated. “When did he get back? Did he bring a letter from Cullen? Or anything?”
> 
> “When did - oh - oh, right! I forgot to tell you, that’s all. He couldn’t find Cullen, I’m sorry.”
> 
> “You know,” said Evangeline, “I’ve about had it up to here with everyone treating me like I’m stupid. You lied to me, you’ve probably _been_ lying to me since day one, you’re nothing but a lying liar who lies.”

* * *

 

“Maker’s breath, Varric,” Dorian protested, pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. “Are you going to next inform us that his pants were also on fire?” The kids all burst out giggling.

“Dorian,” Cass all but whined. “Stop interrupting!”

“What do you want from me?” Varric retorted. “Do you have _any_ idea how hard this was to write? Besides, I’ll bet you five royals that Siren thinks her lines are hilarious.”

“I... I know my Cinderella. I’m not going to take that bet.”

“They _are_ pretty great,” Nessa said, still laughing.

“Yes.” Cole nodded. “Thank you for writing this for me, Professor. It helps.”

“And that’s all that matters to me, Kid.” Varric reached over to ruffle Cole’s hair.

At his nephew’s words, Dorian immediately softened. “Well, I can’t argue with that.” He smiled.

> “Yes, fine, you caught me,” said Samson. “It took you long enough. Maker’s breath, Calpernia wasn’t wrong; you’re nice to look at but a bit slow on the uptake. Doesn’t matter.”
> 
> “You’re right, it doesn’t matter. Letter or not, Cullen’s going to save me. Maybe not the way I intended, but he’ll save me all the same.” She folded her arms. “I could make a really corny speech right now about how he and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. I could say all these things and a lot more besides, but you’re not worth the trouble. But know this, Prince,” she added. “I’ll go through with this. I’ll smile. I’ll wave. And the whole world can think we’re a happy couple and that’s fine… but you and I will always know the truth. You and I will always know that _he’s a better man than you will ever be._ And I will go to my grave still loving him.” With that, she dropped her arms and spun on her heel to storm out of his office. She would have, too, if he hadn’t grabbed her and dragged her to her room, then thrown her inside and locked the door.

 

Again Cassandra gasped. “Oh, I know it sounds ridiculous,” she said, noticing the glances she was receiving. “But I’m somehow very anxious, even though I know Varric just wrote it for a bit of fun. She’ll go to her grave loving him...  _so romantic_.”

“I completely understand, Professor,” Rory agreed. “I know how this movie goes and even I’m a little nervous.”

“Well, you have to admit, that’s more like something Siren really would say than the ‘lying liar who lies’ bit,” said Varric. He was visibly pleased by the reactions. “I had to give her at least _one_ monologue, and that line just really worked for me.”

“I’m with Cass, it’s a very lovely line.” Josephine sighed dreamily.

“I can definitely picture our favorite living fairy tale couple saying something like that about each other, yes,” agreed Dorian.

“As you can imagine,” Varric continued, “Prince Samson was less than enthused about it.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a pretty bad day, so with my co-author's approval, I'm posting the next chapter sooner than planned to cheer myself up.

* * *

**Chapter Four**

* * *

 

> With his bride locked up, Samson stormed down to where Calpernia was making notes on Cullen’s progress. Ignoring his friend, he seized Cullen by the collar.
> 
> “You truly love each other,” he said, “and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in an age has that chance, no matter what the Chantry tells us. And so I think no man in an age will suffer as greatly as you will.”
> 
> Still ignoring Calpernia, who was alarmed, he set the Machine to fully drain Cullen’s life, all at once. They say the Maker Himself trembled at the sound of the professor’s death scream.

 

Now it was Cole’s turn to gasp - despite knowing the movie, this mental image evidently did not sit well with him. Even Jim, Rory, and Nessa whimpered a little. Cassandra, on the other hand, not knowing the plot of _The Princess Bride_ at all, had gone extremely pale.

“ _Varric_!” she protested, looking shocked.

“Relax, General,” he said hastily, remembering that she didn’t know the story. “I promise it’s going to get better. I wouldn’t kill Curly for real.” He glanced at Cole, feeling guilty. “Right, Cole? You know I’m going to make it okay.”

Cole nodded, recovering. “Yes. You said no one dies, I believe you. You’re a writer, you can fix anything.”

Cass also looked soothed by that. “Well... all right. I will immensely look forward to Prince Samson getting his comeuppance however. I wonder, just who does get him in the end?”

“Samson?” Varric shook his head. “No one gets him. He lives.”

“ _What_?” She looked flabbergasted once again. “He _lives_? That doesn’t mean he wins, does it?” She looked around. “Does it?”

“I _never_ said he wins. But he lives. And sometimes, you know, that’s worse.”

 

> Now, while all of this tremendously exciting and moderately distressing adventure was taking place, Bull and Dorian reunited in Denerim. They traded stories of the man in the black mask; they also learned that the gap-toothed woman was Calpernia, Prince Samson’s right-hand person, which seemed unusually convenient but they weren’t complaining. Finding nightclub life lucrative but not quite satisfying, they ventured out in search of the man who had talked them both out of combat. They thought he might have another idea, one which could possibly allow Dorian to finally have his revenge.
> 
> Even they heard the screaming. “Do you hear that sound, Bull?” Dorian asked. “That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when the gap-toothed woman slaughtered my author. The man in black makes it now.”
> 
> “The man in black?” Bull repeated.
> 
> “His true love is marrying another tonight. Who else has such cause for ultimate suffering?”
> 
> “Wait, how do you know his true love is marrying another tonight? That wasn’t in the script.”
> 
> “I read the book. Come on, we can follow the sound and find him.”

 

* * *

 

Josephine held up her hand, signaling for Varric to pause while she giggled. She reached over to pat Dorian’s shoulder. “Poor man. Would your heart truly make the sound of ultimate suffering if Varric died?” she teased. Dorian merely groaned.

“Let this scene be a lesson,” Varric said. “No matter how good the movie is, always be sure to read the book and get what you missed.”

“Well, that at least is true,” said Dorian.

Michel, on the other hand, looked vaguely confused. Having missed the introduction of Dorian’s character, he needed to have the joke explained to him. Once it was, however, he smiled. “Oh, so is Varric truly your favorite author?” he asked Dorian.

“Certainly _not_ ,” the music teacher replied, looking faintly scandalized.

“Methinks he doth protest too much,” Hawke teased. “It’s okay, Varric, you’re _my_ favorite.”

“I know. Thanks, Hawke.”

“All right, fine. If it helps, you’re my third favorite author in a five-foot radius. Better?” Dorian retorted.

“Third… wait, you’re placing me _behind_ Sonnet and Bishop?” It was Varric’s turn to look mildly outraged.

“Of course. Just look at them.” He gestured down to where both Rory and Jim were beaming; Rory looked ready to squeal or swoon or possibly both.

“Well, they are cuter than I am, I’ll give them that,” the author conceded.

 

> The Dread Wolf, who had watched Cullen’s demise with considerable (though carefully hidden) distress, set about collecting a wheelbarrow to cart the body off to the pile. Calpernia had a pile of victims, or maybe Samson did, or maybe they shared it. He didn’t know and he tried not to think about it too much.
> 
> While he was trundling the wheelbarrow, however, he suddenly found Dorian’s rapier pressed to his throat. “The man in black - where is he?” When the Dread Wolf made no answer, he pressed a bit harder. “You get there from this grove, yes?”
> 
> There was still no answer, so Dorian sighed and lowered his weapon. “Bull, jog his memory.”
> 
> A few seconds later, the Dread Wolf hit the ground. Bull’s tap on the head was a bit too much for him. “I’m sorry, Dorian, I didn’t mean to jog him so hard.”
> 
> Dorian groaned. “Now what do we do?” he asked dramatically, his arms wide. He stared up at the sky. “Give me a sign! Please! If victory is near at hand, please, give me a sign!”
> 
> Half a heartbeat later, a door opened on one of the trees. A sign was nailed to the inside, with an arrow pointing down a flight of stairs.

 

Everyone cracked up laughing at that. “Well, you asked for a sign and you got one,” Fenris remarked dryly.

“One friendly helping hand. See? I’m working on fixing things,” said Varric. “Just bear with me.”

“Yes, quite the little helper you are,” Cass remarked, her tone just as dry as Fenris’s as she smirked slightly.

“Always, General.”

 

> “He’s dead,” said Bull, after listening to the man in black’s chest for a moment.
> 
> “I guessed as much from having read the book, but I was hoping for artistic license, I suppose,” said Dorian.
> 
> “Well, what do we do now?”
> 
> “According to the source material, go through his clothes and look for loose change. But I have another idea. Do you have any money?”
> 
> “A little. Why?”
> 
> “I know where we might be able to buy a miracle. Let’s see what the going rate is.”

 

“They're going to _buy_ a miracle?” Cassandra seemed perplexed.

Dorian, however, chuckled. “Hmm. I have a theory going about who might be selling said miracle. I wonder if I'm right.”

“Who do you think it is?” Blackwall asked.

“Well, when one needs a miracle done in Skyhold Academy, to who else does one turn?” Dorian remarked, glancing over at the headmistress and the guidance counselor.

“Truer words have rarely been spoken,” Varric said with a laugh.

 

> With Cullen’s body in Bull’s arms, Dorian knocked on the door of a rustic cabin. A harried-looking woman came to the door, and peered at them. “What do you want?”
> 
> “Are you the Nightingale, who worked for the King all those years?” he asked.
> 
> “The King’s horrible son fired me. Thank you for bringing up such a painful memory.” Before she could slam the door in their faces, however, a second woman appeared just behind her.
> 
> “Oh, look, Leliana!” she exclaimed. “They’ve brought you a dead man! You’re good at dead.”
> 
> “Hm. True.”

 

* * *

 

Everyone laughed yet again, Leliana and Josephine hardest of all. The two women glanced at each other, looking amused. “First of all, Varric,” said the headmistress, lifting an eyebrow teasingly, “what makes you think I’m the woman to whom everyone should bring their dead, hmm? Second, I do hope that by casting us in these roles you aren’t trying to say we’re old crones.” Her tone was obviously jocular.

“I wouldn’t _dream_ of such a thing,” he assured her. “You two are as fresh and young as daisies. As for the first question,” he continued, “if I had to pick anyone of my personal acquaintance to deliver a bona fide miracle, you’d be at the top of the list.”

“Well, much appreciated.” She smiled. “I do have quite a few tricks up my sleeve, so I’m sure I could figure out a way to bring back the ‘mostly dead.’”

“ _Mostly_ dead?” Cassandra repeated.

“Well, how else do you think Cullen’s in-story demise can be reversed?” Dorian said. “Although I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?”

“Just a little, Sparkler.”

 

> The Nightingale, with some reluctance, allowed them to enter the cabin so she could examine the body. “Mm. Well, there’s some good news,” she said. “Your friend here is only mostly dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive, and that means he can be brought back. We’ll need a miracle pill.”
> 
> “How do we get one?”
> 
> “I’ll make you one, but either you have to pay me well or prove that this is for a noble cause.” She studied them for a moment. “Eh, it’s been a slow day. Give me your best story.”
> 
> “His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.”
> 
> “You are almost the worst liar I’ve ever met. Almost.”
> 
> “Okay, I need him to help me avenge a murdered author.”
> 
> She looked at Dorian wryly. “Your first story was better. I’ll just have to ask him myself. Open his mouth.” Bull obliged her, and she stuck the end of a set of bellows into Cullen’s mouth. “Since he’s only mostly dead, he might be able to tell me what’s really going on. All right, you,” she said, inflating his chest, “what’s so important?”
> 
> She pressed on his stomach, and as the air rushed out of Cullen’s lungs, he managed to gasp, “True... love...”
> 
> “There!” Dorian looked triumphant. “Surely you could ask for no more noble cause than true love?”
> 
> The Nightingale sighed, and looked at her friend. “What do you think, Josie?”
> 
> “Well, you have to admit he has very nice hair,” the other woman acknowledged. “He’s obviously been preening for someone.”
> 
> “There is that. And the basic black ensemble suggests a modest temperament coupled with a desire to be stylish.”
> 
> “Ladies, please,” said Bull. “We’re kind of in a hurry.”
> 
> “Oh? And where do _you_ have to be?” the Nightingale challenged them.
> 
> “We have to get him to the castle…”
> 
> “Ugh! To help Prince Samson? Or just to attend the wedding? Either way, there’s no deal!”
> 
> “No, no,” said Dorian. “We’re going to help him _stop_ the wedding. I’ll avenge my dead author, he’ll prevent his girlfriend from marrying the prince, and we’ll all ride off into the sunset after some witty banter and possibly a few injuries.”
> 
> “Stop the wedding,” the Nightingale repeated. “So I bring him back and the prince suffers?”
> 
> “Humiliations _galore_.”
> 
> Both women smiled. “ _That_ is a noble cause,” said the Nightingale. “Gentlemen, this one is on the house.”

 

Leliana chuckled. “I must admit, I can see myself doing that. You all know how I felt after the Venatori Prep debacle.” Said debacle had rattled everyone, but the headmistress in particular found the trial difficult, having to think about what could have happened to the children under her care at the hands of the Venatori brutes. “Anything that would bring the Venatori a little discomfort certainly is a noble cause indeed.”

“My feelings exactly, Songbird.” Varric nodded at her.

 

> About half an hour later, they were forcing the chocolate-covered miracle pill down Cullen’s throat. “Don’t let him go swimming for at least an hour,” the Nightingale cautioned. “And it’ll take some time for his limbs to regain their full strength, so expect him to be a little wobbly for a while.”
> 
> “How long will we have to wait until we know if the miracle worked?” Bull asked.
> 
> “Not very long,” said Josie, watching Cullen’s eyes open and immediately widen with confusion.
> 
> “What’s going on?” he asked. “Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this table? Where’s Evangeline?”
> 
> “We just brought you back from the dead, former nightclub employees, no, refer back to my first remark, and locked inside the castle,” Dorian replied.
> 
> “Well, that’s concise. I remember you two,” he noted. “But not you two.” He nodded at the women.
> 
> “You just nodded! That’s wonderful!” Josie clapped her hands.
> 
> “Thank you. I think. Although my arms won’t move, so maybe that _is_ cause for excitement,” he reflected. “So why did you bring me back?”
> 
> “To stop the royal wedding. We break in, steal the princess, I kill Calpernia, and we make our escape.” Dorian shrugged. “Also probably something exciting happens and maybe we make a profit. Stranger things have happened.”

 

* * *

 

“Oh, this is all very exciting,” Cass said, a little breathless. “Cullen is back, they’re going to storm the castle, he and Evvy are going to be reunited!” She sighed in delight.

Everyone chuckled. “Next time I do one of these I’ll try to give you a bigger part, General,” said Varric, amused. “But I’m very pleased that it’s such a hit. Any updates, though, before I continue?”

“Let’s see.” She pulled out her phone, and texted Cullen once again. This time, there was a response after a few seconds. “Oh! Here he is.” She chuckled slightly. “Apparently he didn’t respond before because he had to convince the nursing staff he was fine - they thought he looked faint. Poor man. But he said that things are progressing as they should.”

“Well, that’s reassuring,” Bull commented. “I’m starting to worry that the story’s not going to be long enough to last until the baby comes, though, even with all the interruptions we keep making.”

Cole’s brow furrowed thoughtfully. “I want to see them,” he said at last. “Do you think it will be very long before I can see them?”

“I really don’t know, buddy,” said Varric gently. “I don’t have too much experience with babies - but from what I’ve been told, these things happen when they happen and there’s nothing we can do to hurry them along. But I do know that your dad won’t make you wait even a minute longer than absolutely necessary.”

Cole digested that, then nodded. “Yes, you’re right. I just want to know that Mother is all right. But...” He brightened. “I’m glad all of you are here to help me.”

Cassandra smiled. “Your father is asking after you to make sure you’re all right, too,” she told him. “I’ll let him know that.”

“Yes, tell him I’m waiting with friends and that makes it easier. He’s waiting with friends too, even though we’re here and he’s there.”

“That’s true.” Varric reached over to ruffle Cole’s hair. “We’re keeping him in our thoughts, and that’s as close as we can be right now. I know a little about how that works, after all.”

“You really do at that.” Hawke chuckled fondly.

“He appreciates the support, really he does.” Cass reported, smiling.

“I’m assuming that Cullen contacted the Trevelyans about this?” asked Josephine.

“You know, I didn’t even think about that,” said Blackwall, chuckling faintly. “Sometimes I forget that Evangeline has any family other than, you know, this one. Most of us _don’t_.”

“That’s true,” Dorian agreed. “It is strange to think about, but true.”

“And yes, to answer the question, he did contact the Trevelyans. At least I _think_ he did - he is very nervous, after all, he could have forgotten.” Cass chuckled.

“I’d say one of us should do it just to make sure,” Leliana mused, “but to be quite honest, none of us know them and they might find it a little odd.” She paused. “Oh, wait, I know! Hawke, why don’t you contact your friend Sebastian? He’s a friend of Evvy’s as well, so he’d want to know, and if the family hasn’t been brought into the loop he could do it.”

“Oh, that’s an excellent idea,” Hawke replied, grabbing her phone. “Be right back.”

“The intermission continues, then,” said Varric. “Well, take five, everybody. Good time to hit the restroom or stretch your legs.” He pulled out his own phone and sent a brief text, then put it back in his pocket and stood. “Wow. I was sitting a lot longer than I realized,” he muttered, rolling his shoulders.

“And this is why I do yoga,” Dorian remarked, immediately standing and shifting into the tree pose.

“Yeah, I don’t quite balance that well.” Varric laughed, and pulled out his phone again. Whatever was on the display caused his lips to quirk in a smile, and he leaned against a tree (a real one, not Dorian) as he responded to it.

“Feel like sharing with the rest of the class?” Dorian called to him teasingly a few minutes later while at the same time attempting to help the Partners in Crime not fall over as they also tried to stretch.

Varric shrugged. “Bethany says hello. That’s the crux of it.”

“I feel there’s probably more than that, but I won’t press the matter.” That was most likely because Hawke had returned at that moment.

“Nothing you would find interesting, let’s put it that way. Did you get in touch with Choirboy, Hawke?”

“I did. Cullen did in fact call the Trevelyans. A little belatedly -” she paused to chuckle “- but he called them just the same. Seb assured me that as soon as he hung up with me, he’d put in a call to them to check in and update them on everything. Not there’s much to update, but still.”

“Better he talks to them than they badger Cullen,” Solas pointed out. “I daresay he’s got quite enough on his mind without placating his wife’s parents being added to it.”

“An excellent point,” Josephine agreed. “And I’m sure he’s not in his most eloquent state at the moment. Prince Sebastian doing this for him will save him a lot of extra worry.”

“It’s a grown-up version of the telephone game,” joked Krem, who had been sitting quietly and watching Rory attempt yoga. “Professor R will text the updates to Professor Pentaghast, who will text them to Ms. Hawke, who will send them to Prince Vael, who will relay them to Bann Trevelyan.”

There was a general chuckle at that. “You certainly aren’t wrong there,” said Cass. “It’s a process, I suppose.”

“At least with text, you know you’re not messing up the details,” Blackwall pointed out, trying to keep a straight face. “If it were a real telephone game, the final result would be Bann Trevelyan being informed that his youngest daughter has been abducted by space aliens or something.”

Everyone laughed again, harder this time (Rory quite nearly toppled over). “Again, not wrong,” Cass said, still laughing. “Everything should be accurate provided Cullen has the wherewithal to text us the correct information.”

“Depending on what’s happening at the time, there is _no_ guarantee of that,” said Bull. “And I mean that in the most light-hearted and friendly way possible.”

“Speaking as one of Cullen Rutherford’s dearest friends, I can say with authority that you’re completely on point there,” Cass said, sounding amused. “He’s been so eagerly anticipating this, he will definitely be rendered incoherent by the time all is said and done, I promise you that.”

“But to be fair,” Varric noted, fondly, “we wouldn’t have him any other way. Am I right?”

There was an affectionate chorus of agreement from both teachers and students alike. “After all,” said Dorian, trying and largely failing to stifle a laugh, “he _is_ the school unicorn. And a unicorn by any other name would not be as magical.”

“A unicorn married to a rainbow. You know, there’s something very... I don’t really have a word for it,” Bull deadpanned.

“‘Thematically appropriate?’” Dorian suggested, grinning.

“I was thinking something more like _second grade girl_ , but sure, we’ll go with that.”

“Well, yes, maybe a touch of that too. But it’s adorable,” he said, his tone almost scolding.

“And I’m the rain,” Cole added cheerfully.

“That you are, kiddo.” Bull took a turn at ruffling Cole’s hair. “Well, is everybody back? I’m waiting to hear how this all goes down.”

Leliana did a quick headcount. “Yes, that appears to be all of us.” She sat back down. “Well then, we’re ready when you are, Professor Tethras. I look forward to the storming of the castle.”

Varric grinned. “Think it’ll work?”

“I certainly hope so!” This from Cass. She looked almost childlike in her hopefulness. “It _has_ to!”

“Ah, of course, the General doesn’t recognize the line.” He looked at the Partners in Crime. “I ask you, as some of our resident experts on the source material - think it’ll work?”

All three of the students looked at each other, giggled, and in perfect unison said “It would take a miracle.”

“There we go!” He glanced at Cassandra. “Don’t worry, it’ll make sense when you watch the movie.”

 

> After thanking the ladies for their assistance, the three men made their way - with some difficulty, given Cullen’s incomplete ability to move under his own power - to where they could examine the fortifications around the castle. “So it seems there is but one working gate,” said Dorian, “and it appears to be guarded by about sixty men.”
> 
> “And what are our assets?” asked Cullen.
> 
> “Your brains. Bull’s strength. My steel.”
> 
> “That’s it?” Cullen shook his head. “If I had a month to plan, maybe consult my books for something from history that we could emulate, I might be able to come up with something. But this? Impossible.”
> 
> “There’s got to be _something_ we can do,” Dorian insisted.
> 
> “I mean, even if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something!” Cullen snapped.
> 
> “Where did we put that wheelbarrow?” Dorian asked Bull. “The one that Dread Wolf fellow was pushing?”
> 
> “I’m pretty sure we hid him underneath it. It should still be there.”
> 
> “Okay, so we can do a wheelbarrow.”
> 
> “Oh,” said Cullen, “that’s a different story then. Give me a few minutes and I can probably come up with something suitably implausible.”

 

* * *

 

“I have to say,” remarked Hawke, chuckling, “the mental image of Bull and Dorian dragging Cullen around to go save Evvy is pretty hilarious.”

“Bull and Dorian dragging Cullen around after they’ve just finished consulting with Leliana and Josephine, but not before they hid Solas underneath a wheelbarrow,” Fenris added, looking amused.

“Just in case I haven’t made my feelings on the matter clear,” said Nessa, “this really is super amazing, Professor. I can’t even.”

“This is what I live for. Knowing that I’ve told stories that people have truly enjoyed.” Varric looked inordinately pleased. “The day you kids respond to one of my stories by saying that you _can_ even, I’ll know it’s time to pack it all in.”

There was a round of laughter at that, from the students in particular. “Don’t worry, Professor,” said Jim. “We perpetually can’t even. It comes with going to the best school ever.”

“I guess I can’t argue with that. Not that I’d try.”

“But we particularly can't even today,” Nessa assured him.

“Yeah, this is all so brilliant,” Rory agreed, beaming.

“Well, thanks.” Varric couldn’t even try to maintain his curmudgeonly persona against such commentary; his expression was profoundly grateful.

That look was not lost on the other teachers, who all shook their heads fondly. Cass pulled out her phone, which was suddenly buzzing considerably, and her eyes widened as she viewed the screen. “Ah. Well. It seems the baby is... not enjoying the labor process.” She chose her words carefully for Cole’s sake; that much was obvious to the other teachers. “They’re going to have to perform surgery instead.” There were a few little gasps of surprise at that, most notably from the students.

“Surgery?” Dorian repeated. He reached out to place a hand on Cole’s shoulder, although he himself looked like the one in need of support. “All right. Well… all right…”

“It happens,” said Hawke, gently. “I remember it being the case with one or two of our neighbors back in Lothering, before we moved to Kirkwall. It’s not pleasant, but it doesn’t mean anyone’s in any particular danger. It just means they have to do things a little differently so the baby is all right. Don’t you worry, Cole.”

“Yeah, it’s actually how I was born,” Rory said, reaching over to pat Cole’s hand. “Everything will be a-okay.” She smiled at him and at Dorian in turn.

“That’s right. Everything’s going to be fine, because we’re not allowing for any other possibility,” Varric agreed. “So - do we think Cullen and his new friends are going to successfully rescue the princess?”

Dorian cleared his throat and rolled his shoulders as if trying to get back into the moment. “Well... we've already established a successful storming of the castle would take a miracle, but I have every faith in them.” He managed a little smile. “Let’s cue the miracle.”

“Atta boy, Sparkler.”

 

> Among those guarding the castle gate was Erimond, the captain of Prince Samson’s personal guard. He had a personality which made Samson’s look sparkling by comparison. If there was ever the opposite of a “Miss Congeniality” trophy in a beauty pageant, that’s what he’d win. Nobody liked him very much - except, for some reason, the prince. As you may recall, Calpernia was described as being one of the only people whom Samson actually trusted; Erimond was one of the few others. So when the time came to put up defenses at the gate, in case by some strange turn of events Evangeline had more than one guy who wanted to save her from this marriage, Erimond was naturally chosen to lead the group.
> 
> He was just starting to get bored and thinking about maybe sneaking off for a few minutes to make himself a sandwich when the tell-tale sound of an advancing wheelbarrow caught his attention. “Halt! Who goes there?” he called.
> 
> A moment later, Bull was wheeled into view. He was standing in the wheelbarrow, which was being pushed by Dorian and Cullen (well, sort of), and in his hands he carried a mighty crossbow. After the murder of Dorian’s favorite author, he had been surprised to inherit said author’s most prized possession, but since he didn’t know the first thing about shooting a crossbow he just sort of mounted it on the wall and then forgot all about it. So he hadn’t thought to list it among the assets when Cullen had first asked. But in Bull’s hands, it became a much more dangerous thing than a mere wall decoration, so Dorian had jumped into a nearby plot hole and rushed home to retrieve it.
> 
> “I am the Dread Pirate Blackwall!” Bull shouted in response to Erimond’s question. “There will be _no survivors._ ”

 

* * *

 

Rory was laughing so hard she was nearly in tears. “I’m sorry,” she said when she could speak again. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt. This is just hysterical, I can’t.” She started laughing all over again.

“Now this name I recognize,” Nessa said when she too had recovered from a bout of laughter. “His name was in the news report when Venatori Prep was shut down. He was the headmaster, right?”

“Right you are, Lyric. And a more pompous, pretentious, useless bag of hammers you will never find,” Varric confirmed.

“Bag of hammers?” Solas repeated.

“Well, calling him a tool barely scratches the surface. So he’s an entire bag of them.”

The Partners in Crime all started snickering again. “Yup. Never had the ‘pleasure’ of meeting him,” Rory said, making finger quotes around the word _pleasure_ , “but that school was the worst, so it makes sense he would be… that.”

“That’s all well and good,” said Bull, “but... Dorian jumped into a _plot hole_? And everybody’s okay with this?”

“Plot holes are real and actual things,” Jim insisted. “We’ve fallen into several.”

“Sounds plausible to me,” Rory agreed with a grin.

“You have to admit it’s a handy way to travel,” Varric added, smirking. “How else was I going to get him home to fetch a weapon and back in time to stop the wedding?”

“He has a point,” Dorian said. “Besides, I’m finding it more implausible that any version of Varric would bequeath a crossbow to me.”

“Just for that, I’m going to edit my will.”

“You’re not telling me you actually _have_ a crossbow?”

“I would buy one for the explicit purpose of leaving it to you in my will,” Varric replied, “but yes, I do. Or have you forgotten that I won the medallion at the faire in Crestwood for my prowess with the thing? I enjoyed it so much that I bought my own. It’s in my room.”

Now it was Hawke’s turn to laugh. “Bethy said you mentioned buying one, I didn’t know you actually did it. Well, bravo.”

“I haven’t actually _used_ it,” he added. “Pretty sure it’s just a replica. But it looks kinda badass over the fireplace.”

“Yes, because that’s the purpose of decorating.” Dorian groaned.

“Oh, cheer up, Sparkler. At least I do my decorating where you don’t have to look at it.”

“Well, that’s true. Thank the Maker.”

“If you gentlemen are quite finished,” Cass interjected, “there was a story being read.”

“Good things come to those who wait, darling Cassandra,” Dorian returned.

“And hopefully this one is worth the wait,” Varric added.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the kind remarks, both on the story itself and on my comment that I was having a bad day in the last chapter!
> 
> This is the last chapter of Varric's actual story, but there's still a little bit of follow up, so stay tuned.

* * *

  **Chapter Five**

* * *

 

 

 

> At first, the guards at the gate were unruffled by the sight of just one man advancing on them, even if it _was_ the Dread Pirate Blackwall. But when he started firing into the crowd with the crossbow, it got their attention a little more readily. They began to quickly scatter, making Erimond realize that he really hadn’t paid them well enough to ensure their loyalty, and it was easy work for the three invaders to close in on him.
> 
> “Give us the gate key,” said Cullen.
> 
> “I have no gate key,” said Erimond.
> 
> “Bull, tear his arms off,” said Dorian.
> 
> “Oh, you mean this gate key,” said Erimond.
> 
> He wasn’t really worth the aggravation of killing, so they let him run away and turned their attention to the more important details of getting inside the castle and interrupting the wedding, which was already in progress. In the chapel, attended by the highest ranking nobles of the realm, Samson and Evangeline were kneeling before the Grand Cleric.
> 
> “Marriage…” the cleric drawled, his voice strangely mellifluous. “Marriage... mending, molding, making one out of two. Marriage is what brings us all together today. It’s good.”

 

“That’s... that’s me!” Cole said, a slow smile spreading across his features.

Varric chuckled. “It sure is, Kid. I thought maybe you’d like being part of the story proper.”

“Yes, I’m very glad to be included.” He nodded.

Cass, however, looked befuddled. “But he doesn’t...  _actually_ marry Evvy and Prince Samson? Does he?”

“Wait and see, General, wait and see.”

 

 

 

> Samson was not best pleased to be listening to the Grand Cleric speaking at length about love, dreams, and other fripperies which frankly had no relevance to the current situation. “Skip to the end,” he said shortly.
> 
> The cleric looked a little nonplussed at the interjection, but nodded. “Have you the ring?” he asked, then almost immediately was distracted again. “A ring. A relic of remembrance…”
> 
> “Yes, yes, I have it,” Samson retorted, seizing Evangeline’s hand and forcing an ugly-as-sin wedding band onto her finger. She gave him an imperious sort of look. Out in the corridor, there was some kind of ruckus happening, and Calpernia went to find out just what was causing it.
> 
> “Here comes my Cullen now,” said Evangeline.
> 
> “Your Cullen is dead,” Samson replied flatly.
> 
> “Then why is there _fear_ behind your eyes?” she challenged him, her expression very nearly delighted. He didn’t have a good answer for that.
> 
> Of course, what was causing the ruckus was Dorian and Bull, who were cheerfully beating the crap out of every royal guard who attempted to get in their way. When Calpernia emerged from the shadows, she and Dorian stared at each other for a moment before he executed an elegant little bow.
> 
> “Hello,” he said politely, “my name is Dorian Pavus. You killed my author. Prepare to die.”
> 
> Calpernia studied him for a few seconds, and then turned and ran back down the hall. Of course he immediately gave chase, leaving Bull and Cullen sort of looking at each other helplessly.

 

* * *

 

“Yes!” Rory cheered. “ _Yessssss._ ”

“Yup, this is pretty much perfect,” Nessa agreed.

“Shame we can’t do a film version,” Jim added. “That would be the most amazing thing ever.”

“You’re right, it certainly would be,” said Josephine.

“Well, never say never.” Leliana grinned.

“Especially in this place.” Varric chuckled.

 

 

 

> A series of madcap events proceeded to happen, and it would be a little hard to keep track of everything at once. Here’s what the reader needs to know above all:
> 
> First, Dorian continued his pursuit of the gap-toothed woman through the castle, and frantically called for Bull to come and break down a door when Calpernia ever-so-cleverly locked it.
> 
> Second, Bull returned from assisting Dorian only to find that Cullen was not content to wait around and had apparently dragged himself off someplace. Not entirely certain what else to do, Bull shrugged and headed off to find the royal stable. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
> 
> Third, after basically having his life threatened, the Grand Cleric declared Samson and Evangeline to be man and wife. This did not go over especially well with the princess, who had never even gotten the chance to refuse when asked to say “I do,” and she was immediately abandoned by her husband to the care of the King and Queen, who were directed to take her to the honeymoon suite while he went to check on whatever was going on elsewhere in the castle.
> 
> Fourth, this is around the part where your humble narrator started developing carpal tunnel syndrome.

 

“Wait, _what_?” Cassandra blurted, alarmed.

“I know, poor Varric,” Hawke said, barely managing to keep a straight face.

“Quite. Carpal tunnel is very serious,” Dorian added.

“No, not that!” Cass snapped. “The wedding! It happened? They’re _married_?!”

“Patience, General! Patience!” Varric grinned at her. “It’ll be okay.”

“Well… fine then.” She sat back at that, but still looked slightly ruffled.

“I’m sorry the writing was painful, Professor,” Cole said. “You were very kind to endure it so you could make this for me.”

“Don’t you worry about it, Cole. I’m all right now.”

 

* * *

 

 

> Well, while Dorian and Calpernia were engaged in an epic duel that I honestly don’t begin to know how to describe, and Bull was making friends with the stable hands, the very kindly King and Queen took Evangeline to her honeymoon suite like their son asked. She bade them a very fond good night - she really did like them and hated that she was likely to bring them pain with what she was about to do - and then shut herself in the room and set about finding a knife to plunge into her heart.
> 
> It does sound a bit melodramatic when you put it that way, it must be admitted.
> 
> However, before she could get all princess stabbity-stab on herself, a voice echoed from across the room. “Put that thing back where it came from or so help me…”
> 
> Startled, Evangeline looked up and saw her own precious Cullen lying on the bed. He looked exhausted, and rather sickly, and pretty much exactly the way you’d expect a man to look when he’s been brought back from the dead. But Evangeline didn’t care. She was so relieved to see him that she all but flew across the room to fling herself on him. “Darling!”
> 
> “Much better,” he said approvingly, noting that she had dropped the knife. “Now, what’s been going on?”
> 
> “Oh, Cullen, can you ever forgive me? I got _married_. I didn’t want to but it all happened so fast…”
> 
> “Never happened.” He shook his head.
> 
> “No, really, I was there, the Grand Cleric said ‘man and wife,’ and somehow that seems to have been enough for the purpose.”
> 
> “Did you say ‘I do’?”
> 
> “We sort of skipped that part.”
> 
> “Then you’re not married,” he assured her. “You didn’t say it, you didn’t do it, no harm, no foul. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 royals.”
> 
> “Oh. Hey. That works.”

 

“Feel better, General?”

“Oh, thank the _Maker_.” She took a deep, calming breath. “Yes, much better.”

“Good.” Varric chuckled.

 

 

 

> “Wouldn’t you agree, Your Highness?” Cullen added casually. Evangeline looked at the doorway, startled; Samson was standing there, looking even more annoyed than usual.
> 
> “A technicality that’s not going to matter for very long anyway. But first, you and I will duel to the death.”
> 
> “A duel? Really?” asked Cullen. “Considering that you killed me yourself, aren’t you even the slightest bit curious to know how I’m here?”
> 
> Samson paused. “Now that you mention it, I _am_ a little puzzled by that detail, since I was under the impression that death was sort of a permanent resolution.”
> 
> “Well, it’s like this.” Cullen stretched a bit. “Back when you and I were initially introduced, Ev here had been kidnapped. I stole her from her kidnappers, somewhat befriending two of them in the process, only to have you steal her back from me after we got out of the Korcari Wilds. With me so far?”
> 
> “So far, yes.”
> 
> “Right, so you had me chained up and tortured by that gap-toothed nightmare who is, if I don’t miss my guess, currently being killed by a book lover who _really_ knows how to hold a grudge. Anyway, then you killed me and I was really quite dead.” Cullen smiled. “Turns out that making accidental friends is a great way to get out of some sticky situations. Ev’s kidnappers came back and stole me right out of the Pit or the Zoo or whatever it’s called. They took me to see a hedge witch, who whipped up some ball of chocolate with life-restoring properties, and here we are.”
> 
> Samson blinked a few times, apparently trying to digest all of this. “Well,” he said finally, “I can honestly say I’ve never heard that before. I give you full marks for originality.”
> 
> “Thanks. Oh, hi, Bull.”
> 
> “Huh?” Samson turned around, only to find the doorway filled with what Alexius had once called a hippopotamic land mass. Bull immediately punched him in the face and knocked him out cold.
> 
> “That time, I _did_ mean to jog him so hard,” he noted, chuckling.
> 
> “Ev, darling, get the curtain sashes so Bull can tie your stupid ex-husband to that chair over there.”
> 
> “You don’t want me to kill him?” Bull looked surprised.
> 
> “No. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice. And also with whatever damage you just did to his teeth,” Cullen added.
> 
> “Fair enough. Where’s Dorian?”
> 
> “I thought he was with you.”
> 
> “No, I haven’t seen him in at least an hour.”
> 
> “He’s probably still dueling what’s her name.” While Bull tied Samson to the chair, Evangeline moved to help Cullen get off the bed and stand up more or less straight.
> 
> “Well, the stable hands agreed to hook us up with some getaway horses,” said Bull. “Some very fine chargers, may I add. So as soon as we find Dorian, we can get out of here and you can get started on your happily ever after.”

 

Nessa chortled. “‘Some very fine chargers.’ I see what you did there.”

“Yes, very clever,” said Dorian, rolling his eyes teasingly.

“Well, you know. I have my moments.” Varric looked at his pages.

 

* * *

 

 

 

> “What about your own happily ever after?” Cullen asked.
> 
> “Oh, yeah, we’ll talk about that later. Once I know Dorian’s in one piece and everything.” Bull shrugged. “Come on, we can wait for him down in the stable. I already paid the stable hands to sneak in and steal some of the wedding banquet for us - you haven’t eaten in hours and it’s not good to be digesting medicine on an empty stomach.”
> 
> So they had a merry little picnic in the stable with the grooms while they waited for Dorian to finish avenging his author and find them. He eventually did that, and they all had a nice drink to the whole situation before hopping onto the horses and making a break for it. Eventually they reached the borders of Ferelden, where they sold the horses for ship passage to the Free Marches, and they hid out there for a couple of months until the furor died down.
> 
> Later it was revealed that Calpernia had been a mage, and that she had switched the _real_ Prince Samson - who was a decent human being - with the one Evangeline had almost married. With the mage dead, her spell wore off, and the real prince was reunited with his parents while the phony was exiled to the Fallow Mire and forced into a life of fishing in swamp water. Or at least, so I’m told. But in any case, with him gone the escapees were free to return to their previous careers as teachers. And of course, Cullen and Evangeline got married and did, in fact, live happily ever after - or as close to it as anybody ever gets, anyway.

 

“The end,” Varric concluded. “So? What did you think?”

There was a massive round of applause, Hawke whistled, and Rory looked ready to weep in euphoria. “It was _amazing_ ,” she crowed.

“Absolutely perfect, Varric,” Leliana agreed warmly.

“Yes, thank you, Professor!” This from a beaming Cole.

“You’re welcome, Kid. All right, so I’ll make sure everybody gets a copy and they can read the parts they missed.” Varric was trying, and failing, to not look _too_ pleased. “Meanwhile, since we’re still waiting for news, shall we go put on the movie so Cassandra finally gets the jokes?”

“Oh, yes! Yes, please!” Rory clapped her hands together in delight.

“We can show off our prowess at quoting the whole darn thing,” Jim said, gesturing between himself and his two best friends.

“Yeah, we’re that nerdy,” Rory conceded.

“A _Princess Bride_ quote-along? Sounds like just the thing to me,” said Krem, laughing.

“Might as well set it up in the main hall. Then everybody can watch it together,” Bull offered. “And we’ll all be together when we finally do hear from Cullen.”

* * *

The movie was maybe a quarter of the way through when Cass and Dorian’s phones both started to buzz. “Josie! Pause the film!” Cass exclaimed, pulling out the device.

“So? What’s the word? Is everything okay?” asked Hawke.

“I don’t know,” said Cassandra, squinting at her phone. “I have a text that simply says the word ‘Update.’”

“He’s apparently going to call you, according to what I’ve got.” Dorian showed her the phone, and close observers could see that the blood appeared to have drained out of the music teacher’s face.

“Put it on speaker when he does, Cass,” Leliana suggested. She too looked anxious.

A moment later, the phone rang, and Cass obligingly put it on speaker as requested. “Cullen? What’s happened? Is everything all right?”

“Cass? Cass, can you hear me all right?” Cullen was talking so fast it was almost dizzying. “Everything’s fine. Ev’s fine. The baby’s fine...” There was a strange noise then, which took a moment to decipher. After a beat, it became clear the history professor was laughing in complete euphoria. “My daughter is fine.”

There was a great deal of squealing, and Cole pushed his way forward so Cullen could hear him speak. “Father! Father, they’re okay? I have a sister and she’s well?”

“Cole!” Even with no visual, Cullen’s delight was apparent. “Yes, my boy, you have a sister. And both she and your mother are all right. We can hardly wait until you’re here with us, son.”

“I want to come,” said Cole at once. “I want to come and see Mother and - and Eleanor.”

“Yes.” The tone was fond and almost a little disbelieving, as if he still couldn’t wrap his head around something so wonderful. “Eleanor Skye Rutherford. I can’t wait to introduce you two, son.”

“I can bring him if you’d like, Cullen,” Dorian interjected. He looked so relieved that it was apparent just how tense he had been for the duration of the day. “Gives me an excuse to check in on my Cinderella _and_ steal a peek at the new arrival.”

Before Cullen could respond, however, there was a sort of muffled sound on the line. A few seconds later, Evvy had claimed the phone. “Hello, everyone,” she said, sounding more exhausted than they had ever heard her. “Cole, darling, there’s someone here who wants to meet you. But I wanted to tell you all… Cullen gave you her full name, but he didn’t say... we’re going to call her by her middle name. Skye is in honor of Skyhold - in honor of all of you.”

There was another collective coo of delight at that from the student body, who looked beyond pleased to be included and to hear Mrs. Rutherford’s voice. The teachers wore a similar look as well. “That’s very thoughtful, Cinderella and Prince Charming,” Dorian said with a smile. “I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say we can’t wait to meet Miss Skye.”

“Dori, she’s beautiful... she’s so tiny though... she has to stay here a little while so they can make sure she’s okay.” Evvy sighed. “I’ll see you all soon, I hope. Love to all.”

“Love to you too, dear.” The students likewise gave a cheer of “love you!” and Dorian paused to chuckle. “Rest now, you’ve earned it. Thank you for letting us know everything's all right.”

“The first Skyhold baby.” Leliana chuckled. “I’ll call the founders and let them know - I’m sure they’ll be beyond thrilled.”

“I have no doubt of that.” Cassandra beamed, then turned her attention back to her phone. “Cullen, we’re so happy for you. We’ll make sure Cole gets to you both as soon as possible. And I expect pictures, you know.”

“I’ll send pictures as soon as we hang up,” came the promise. “Dorian, if you and Cole want to head over here, I’ll make sure the NICU people know to let you in.”

“Marvelous,” said Dorian. “I’m sure the new big brother doesn’t want to wait a single moment longer than he has to, isn’t that right, Cole?” Cole nodded, causing Dorian to chuckle again. “I have my answer then. Your son will be with you soon.”

“I’ll just nip over to Josephine’s office,” said Varric, “and run off a copy of the story. You can take it along for Cole’s parents.”

“An excellent idea. I’m sure they’ll love to see the story that kept so many of us occupied during the wait,” Dorian replied, getting to his feet.

“Indeed,” Cass agreed. “All right, Cullen, we’ll let you go. Take care of yourself, please - I know you probably haven’t eaten a thing all day, and please remember to take your medications.”

“You sound like me, Cass,” said Evvy tiredly. Evidently Cullen had placed the call on speaker on their end as well. “He’s going to go right now to the cafeteria and eat while he calls his siblings and my parents.”

“I have my marching orders.” He laughed. “All right, my wife’s right, I should go do all that. I’ll send pictures, too, and I’ll be in touch a bit later, I’m sure. Thank you all for looking after Cole. And for your support. I just... thank you.” There was obvious emotion in his voice.

“You’re family,” Bull reminded him warmly. “It’s what we do.”

“That’s true. That’s very true indeed,” Cullen replied fondly. “All right, everyone, we love you, thank you again.” With that, the call ended.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the story finished, Cole goes to see his new sister and Varric goes to see Bethany.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this wraps it up! Thanks so much for all the comments and kudos, we're delighted you enjoyed it! (Yeah, we had to shoehorn in some Varric/Bethany shipping. It's my weakness and I admit it.)
> 
> Sometime next week we'll start posting "Skyhold Academy Seasons," the next collection of one-shots. It's similar to "Where the Sky is Held," and will feature all new adventures. Will Krem and Rory ever start dating? What happens when Varric takes over Dorian's classes in the spring? How will Dorian get back at Varric for what he does with those classes? Add in a school play, a talent contest, and some stuff I'm probably forgetting, and - well, it's just another crazy spring, summer, and early autumn at our favorite school. Be sure to register for classes soon!

* * *

  **Chapter Six**

* * *

Less than an hour after Cullen phoned the school, Dorian arrived at the hospital with Cole (and a copy of the story) as requested. Cullen was milling about in the hallway waiting for them, his previous business having been finished, and his face broke into an enormous grin at the sight of his son.

“Father!” Cole finally looked at ease, almost as though he hadn’t quite dared to believe that everything really was all right. “Did you eat? Mother was very insistent that you eat.”

Cullen chuckled at that. “Her and Aunt Cass and Aunt Mia and Aunt Rosalie… yes, I did eat.” He moved to shake Dorian’s hand, then hugged his son tightly. “How about you, are you all right? I know you were in the best hands possible, but I was still worried about what you must be thinking during all of this.”

“I was worried,” the boy admitted. “But I am all right now. Professor Varric kept us entertained until we heard from you, and he sent you a copy of the story. You and Mother are the hero and the princess.”

Cullen laughed again. “I can’t say I’m surprised by that - it seems to be the prevailing theme, after all.” He squeezed Cole’s shoulder, then gestured for the two new arrivals to come with him. “Evvy is finally getting some rest,” he explained. “But I can take you to go see Skye if you’d like.”

Cole nodded. “I want to see her. My sister.”

“I thought you might,” Cullen said warmly. He turned to Dorian, who lingered by the door. “You too, Dorian. You’re part of the family as well.”

“I just thought if maybe you wanted a private father-son moment, far be it from me to intrude…”

But Cole shook his head. “You should see her too, Uncle Dorian. She’s waiting for both of us.”

Dorian smiled. “Well, who am I to argue with that? And I have been wanting to see her anyway…”

“Again, I’m not surprised by this.” Cullen returned the smile and led Dorian and Cole off to where they could see baby Skye, pointing to where she slept. “And there she is,” he said, his tone extremely tender.

Cole studied her thoughtfully. “Small,” he said. “Almost too small. It doesn’t seem like she should be able to contain universes. But she does, we all do. Hers are just beginning to be.”

“That’s a very beautiful thought, Cole,” his father said warmly, placing a hand on his shoulder. “And it’s up to us to help her develop those universes. All of us.”

“She has a hat,” Cole added. “I like hats. She and I can have hats together.”

Both Dorian and Cullen laughed at that. “I shall make a mental note of this,” Dorian said, patting Cole’s other shoulder. “For Wintersend, matching hats for the Rutherford children.”

Cullen smiled. “The Rutherford _children_ , plural. I never imagined I’d have even one… I’ve never been so happy to be wrong.”

“When can she come home, Father?” Cole wanted to know.

“A few days. They want to make sure she’s all right, since she arrived earlier than we all expected. Then she can come meet everyone at Skyhold.”

“It sounds like she was just as eager to meet all of us as we were to meet her,” said Dorian with a grin.

“She has so many friends waiting to see her,” said Cole thoughtfully. “Waiting, wanting, wishing… when will we meet? Now she’s here but still far away. When she comes home she will belong to everyone.”

“And that’s why she’s called Skye,” Cullen agreed. “We’re all a part of Skyhold, and she might be more a part of it than any of us.”

“Well, they do say it takes a village,” Dorian pointed out. “In your case, it takes a castle.”

Cullen chuckled. “And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Cole was still studying the baby. “She’s part of you, and part of Mother. She’s part of me, too, but… is she more yours than I am? Mother chose me, and she chose you. This is different.”

“It will be different, in a way. Raising a baby is something completely new to me - to both your mother and I - and we’ll have to learn how to do it. But as for the question of Skye being mine more than you are…” Cullen shook his head. “Absolutely not. I may not have held you as a baby, but you’re my son. If I’m able to do right by Skye, it’s because you made me a father first… because you believed in me. You may have been your mother’s son first, before I was brave enough to let myself have a family, but I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world.”

Cole immediately brightened. “You were a father before you knew you were a father,” he replied. “Before I knew I was a son. Before Dorian knew he was a brother or an uncle. Mother changed all of us. Now Skye changes us again.”

“Yes, indeed she does. _All_ of us.” He smiled. “And she’ll likely continue to change us all as time goes on.”

“It’s good. Change can be good, and I think it will.”

“I agree. I know the change in my life has been nothing but good.” He put his arm around his son’s shoulder. “It’s very good indeed.”

* * *

Varric _did_ intend to call Bethany and read the story to her over the phone, once they knew Evvy and little Skye were safe. But it just didn’t… feel like enough, really, so he gave Hawke a nudge about it and more or less sneaked off to the airport (as much as anyone can _sneak_ anywhere on a Harley-Davidson). A day or two would have to suffice, but it wasn’t like there was ever enough Sunshine for him anyway.

He stood at the door to the Hawke estate and rang the bell, waiting to see what her expression would be.

A minute later, Bethany opened the door, the look on her face saying clearly that she expected it to be someone like a delivery person or one of the door-to-door Chanters. When she saw it was Varric, however, her eyes went wide and she took a step back in surprise.

“Varric!” She covered her mouth, laughing slightly as she did so. “Oh, this is better than a Skype call!” She regained her senses and moved to embrace him.

“I know, right? Special delivery, direct from Skyhold. I come bearing news.”

“I love seeing you even when you’re not bearing news, but you bringing me news is even more exciting. Come inside.” She gently tugged him into the house.

“First thing - you already know, of course, but Siren went into labor around lunchtime yesterday.” He sat down. “Obviously the school was in a bit of an uproar since she’s about two months early.”

“I know, oh, I’ve been thinking about her nonstop since Marian told me,” she tutted, sitting down next to Varric. “Cullen and Cole must have been beside themselves. Dorian too.”

“That’s the understatement of the age. But all’s well that ends well - she’s a tiny little thing, but she pulled through, and mother and baby are both doing fine.” He smiled. “Her name is Eleanor Skye Rutherford, but everyone’s going to call her Skye for short. She’s named after Curly’s mother and Skyhold itself.”

“Ah!” Bethany clapped her hands together in delight. “That’s so wonderful! Oh, thank the Maker.” She sighed in relief, smiling. “And it’s a girl! I know how much Cullen was hoping for a little girl.”

“Yep, now he has a son and a daughter. He’s over the moon.” Varric chuckled. “Cole can’t wait to start learning how to be a brother, to use his words. Poor kid was scared, though. I mean, we all were, but I don’t think anybody was more scared than him.”

“Aww, poor thing. I can imagine he was scared - so much waiting with no news, not knowing if everything was okay or not. He just found his family, his mind must have been running in circles, worrying he was going to lose it.” She shook her head. “Poor boy.”

“Yeah, my thoughts exactly. So, since I knew he’d need distraction whenever the time came, I wrote up a special story.” He smirked a bit. “We had story time in the courtyard. By the time I was done, the entire staff and something like half the student body was there listening. I guess I have to get printed copies made for the ones who missed the earlier parts.”

Bethany started to laugh. “Oh my, that sounds like quite the party - at least you all had something fun to take your minds off it. What was the story exactly?”

With a smile of triumph, he held up the pages. “How would you like to hear a dramatic telling of _The Princess Bride_ featuring a bunch of people from Skyhold in the various roles?”

She laughed again. “Are you kidding me? Of _course_ I want to hear that!” She grinned. “Don’t tell me, let me guess - naturally we all know who the leads are, and Dorian’s probably Inigo, isn’t he? And Bull _has_ to be Fezzik.”

“On the nose, Sunshine.” He chuckled. “My apologies, however. You yourself do not make an appearance - I couldn’t find the right part for you.”

“That’s all right. I can take on the role of the listener while you take on the role of the storyteller.” She likewise chuckled. “I’m excited for this.”

“Well, let me get a little something to eat first - can’t entertain properly on an empty stomach - and then we’ll have story time.” He reached over to scratch Duke’s ears. “Maybe we can get in a card game later.”

“That sounds wonderful. And goodness, I’m a terrible host - yes, of course, let’s do lunch, then we’ll have this story of yours.” She got to her feet. “What can I get for you?”

“You were distracted by your excitement over seeing me, sweetheart. No one would fault you.” He winked, and stood. “Let’s go have a look. Did you eat yet?”

“Well, that is true,” she agreed, giggling as they walked into the kitchen. “I haven’t had much of anything yet, I admit, so this is some good timing.”

“I know, I’m kind of amazing.” He kissed her temple and started raiding the refrigerator. “You in the mood for anything particular?”

“Something easy, probably. That way we don’t have to waste time with all that prep work,” she replied, sitting down and leaning her elbows on the counter to watch him. “The more time I can spend hearing about the Skyhold antics, the better, after all.”

“Hmm.” Varric frowned, then brightened. “Wait. I know.” He shut the fridge and pulled out his phone. “Hightown Pizza? I need a delivery.” He winked at Bethany. “Give me a large pizza with extra cheese, an order of garlic knots, an order of the boneless wings, and a two-liter of Viscount Cola. Sunshine, did you want anything else on the pizza?”

“Oh, you are marvelous,” she said with a giggle as he ordered. “Now, don’t judge me, but I don’t suppose half of that pizza could be ham and pineapple, could it?”

Varric affected a look of abject horror, but it disappeared after an instant. “Can we get ham and pineapple on half that pizza, please? Oh, and ranch and barbecue sauces for the wings.” He gave the address, thanked the person on the other end, and hung up. “Pineapple on pizza, Sunshine?”

“Don’t knock it until you try it.” She laughed. “And the ham really makes it too - as long as it doesn’t taste like despair.”

“I’ll never understand how Orlais pulls that off - or _why_ , for that matter. All right, so while we wait for the food, suppose you tell me what you’ve been doing since I last talked to you… what, yesterday?”

She smiled. “Oh, yes, I’ve done so much, let’s see. Hmm… I made a few sketches for some clothes I’d like to design and updated my blog. Honestly, compared to the past few days at Skyhold, things have been positively mundane here, difficult to believe as that may be.”

“Compared to Skyhold, most places are positively mundane.” He smiled, however. “How’s the blog coming along?”

“Oh, it’s nice, actually. It started off mostly as fashion, but after I got sick, it sort of morphed into how other women in similar situations can still feel beautiful. I like it, it feels good to give a little back, even something so minor.”

He softened at that. “Yeah? What kind of advice are you giving?”

“Well, I’m a pro with headscarves. I don’t need to wear them anymore, of course, thank the Maker, but I swear I have a hundred tips on how to tie them or match them to other clothes. Things like that. Sometimes I even talk a bit about how to do make-up, although it’s not my strongest suit out of them all.”

“To be fair, you don’t _need_ it.” Varric smirked a bit.

“Oh, you.” She affectionately nudged him with her elbow. “Thanks, that’s sweet.”

“Nah, just truth.” He studied her for a moment. “The hair’s growing back nicely… another few weeks and you’ll have more of a ponytail than I do.”

She smiled at that, giving the regained tresses a slight toss, laughing as she did so. “I look forward to rivaling your ponytail, as much as I love it,” she said playfully, then reached up to curl her finger through one of her dark strands. “Yes, almost there.”

“By the end of the year it’ll probably be back to how it was when we first met,” he noted. “The way it used to curl on your shoulders and bob when you walked. It was adorable. Not a word I use often.”

“I see you noticed it enough to commit to perfect memory,” she said with a smile.

Varric shrugged. “Guilty as charged. I always thought you were beautiful.”

She chuckled and took his hand. “I think I realize that in hindsight. At the time, I just thought you were being nice.”

“Well, all things considered, I did want you to think I was nice.” He chuckled. “Later, when I started getting fuzzy about you, I was more afraid I’d scare you. ‘Ew, my sister’s creepy old drinking buddy is staring at me.’”

“Quite the opposite actually,” she admitted. “I told this story during Evvy’s bridal shower - when you pulled up on your motorcycle at my twentieth birthday party, I think my jaw almost hit the floor.” She giggled.

“Chicks dig motorcycles,” he acknowledged with a wink. “If I’d known that for sure, I wouldn’t have worried so much. I was too busy trying to convince myself to keep it very quiet so I wouldn’t make things weird for us or piss off your sister or anything. It was a bit like something out of one of the old sonnets, if that makes any sense - it was enough, or almost enough, just to be near you.”

“That’s romantic and sad all at once. I’m glad we don’t have to be content with just close proximity any more. Although close proximity is wonderful.” Smirking faintly, she leaned in to press her forehead against his.

“I could definitely stand some of it more often. Ah, and there’s the doorbell - you get the plates, I’ll get the food.”

He went to open the door and, with some amusement, accepted the rather silly quantity of food he had ordered. “Looks like your lucky day, son,” he said, pulling out his wallet. “I’ve only got a fifty-royal note on me. Keep the change.”

Returning to Bethany with only some difficulty, he laid out the spread on the dining table. “I actually don’t remember the last time I had pizza,” he admitted. “We don’t have much luck with it, the last pizza joint in Redcliffe closed a few months back and anything farther than that won’t deliver to us.”

“Oh, well then this is definitely a treat,” Bethany said, laughing as she helped him with the many items. “Maker, we have a lot here! This is brilliant.”

“Figure you can eat the leftovers for a couple days after I go back.” He loaded his plate with a slice of pizza and several of the boneless wings. “I wonder if I could have a pizza oven installed at the school, that might be interesting.”

“That would be fun, I bet the students would love that,” she said, helping herself to one of the ham and pineapple slices. “And it would probably make you even more popular with the kids.” She chuckled.

“Not sure I need too much help, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt,” he teased. “Oh, I have to give you the latest on Rory and Krem.” He described the situation in the courtyard with the notebook and how Krem straight-up asked to read the fanfic that Rory and Jim had submitted for a grade. “You should have seen all the smug little knowing looks the teachers were shooting at each other. It was brilliant.”

“Oh, my goodness, that is too precious,” she remarked in delight. “Yes, I imagine there were a lot of knowing looks. I hope she does let him read that story - maybe it will help move things along. It’s been very quiet on the Rory and Krem front since Wintersend and his little gift to her, after all.”

“Yeah, I think he pulled back a little after that. Of course, she was also wrapped up in midterms for a while there too. But I think things are on the right track for them. It’s hard to have feelings for someone and think you’ve got no chance,” he added playfully. “That’s why I tried to pep talk her at the faire - a couple other times too.”

“Well, I’m very glad. And I’m happy you gave her some encouragement. It’s always good to hear from others that the person you’re sweet on might just be sweet on you too.” She smiled at him.

“It is at that. I’m starting to really become sold on this ‘happiness’ stuff.” He popped a wing into his mouth and smirked, chewing.

“Yes, I am definitely a fan of this ‘happiness’ stuff myself,” she replied, her tone bright and playful. “The more of it the better, I say. For us, and everyone.” She paused, then laughed. “Yeah, that’s probably why you call me Sunshine.”

“One of many reasons, my dear. In time you’ll learn them all.” He picked up the bottle of soda and poured her a glass.

“I look forward to it immensely.” She accepted the glass and clinked it against his own. “Cheers and all that.”

“To a very…” He paused and looked at their lunch. “A very cheesy and bubbly future,” he offered, teasingly.

She laughed. “Yes, that sounds perfect.” She took a long drink, then studied him. “So, how long are you here?”

“Only a day or so, I’m afraid. Kind of sneaked out in the middle of all the madness,” he joked. “But I thought bringing the news in person was important.”

“Yes indeed, and I’m very glad you did. Well, even if it is just a day or so, it’s a wonderful surprise. And I’ll try and get up there for a visit myself soon.”

“We’ll have to go get some fruit ice before I leave. Turn our tongues blue and all,” he noted. “It’s been too long.”

“Ooh, yes please.” She smiled, then reached out to squeeze his hand. “Yes, it has definitely been too long all around. Probably sounds silly, since we’re probably seeing more of each other than we had in recent years, but still.”

“We’ve had a few other things on our minds,” he observed. “What are your thoughts on that job Ruffles was talking about giving you?”

“I’ve actually been thinking a lot about it,” she said. “And honestly, I really like the sound of it. I like being able to help people, even if it’s just in a small way, and I like pretty much everything about Skyhold, so it’s a perfect union really.”

“Not to mention having you there would be extremely good for me.” He chuckled. “I’d never get away with anything again, but… worth it.”

She flashed him a brilliant smile. “That all just sells me on the idea even more,” she said. “I figure if Marian’s okay with it, my answer is most likely yes.”

“I can’t imagine she’d object even slightly to having you where she can keep an eye on you. And just think of how much we’ll all save on airfare,” he added. “Besides, you already have your own room.”

“Well, that is all very true.” She beamed. “It’s actually quite an exciting prospect. Josephine was sweet to make the offer.”

“That’s Ruffles for you. You’ll be able to help keep her from going crazy - I swear I don’t know when the woman sleeps, she does so much every day.”

“Well, I am delighted to be a second pair of hands when she needs me. I’m hoping I can help the kids out too, sort of like Evvy does - you know, just sort of be there if they need someone to talk to, that kind of thing.”

“Considering what Skyhold really is,” Varric noted, “that’s never a bad thing to have available.” Originally, outside of the senior staff, the founders, and the Divine herself, only Bethany and Fenris had been made privy to the school’s secret mission. Hawke had made it a condition of her employment; Skyhold might ask anything else of her, but she would not keep secrets from her husband or her little sister. “I imagine,” he continued, “that you can do the kids a lot of good, like Siren does. They like you a lot.”

“Oh, that’s sweet. I like them too, they’re all such good kids.” She smiled. “Besides, then I can be a part of the Skyhold drama first hand,” she added with a chuckle.

“That is _always_ a good reason to do anything,” Varric joked. “Maker knows we have enough of it.” Before he could say anything else, however, his phone made a noise, and he wiped his fingers on a napkin before pulling it out. “Hm, text from - oh hey, Curly sent a picture!” He passed the phone to Bethany so she could have a look at Skye.

She looked down at the picture eagerly, immediately cooing. “Aww, just look at her. She’s absolutely precious. Oh, do give him my congratulations, and tell him I said she’s beautiful.”

“Message delivered,” he said, tapping out the words. “She’s so _little_. It’s hard to imagine that any of us were ever that little.”

“I know, it’s so hard to picture. But just think how much fun it will be to watch her grow up in Skyhold. I want to be included on the list of potential babysitters, if I may.”

“I’ll make sure to let them know that. I can’t imagine they’ll mind.” He smiled. “I know how much you like kids.”

She returned the smile. “Oh, yes, absolutely. I’m going to shower little Skye with affection, no doubt.” She chuckled.

“Actually, your sister seems to delight in reminding me that you enjoy kids and want several. It’s like she thinks that scares me.”

“Mmhmm. _Does_ it scare you?” She laughed.

“Sunshine, I’m a teacher at Skyhold. There’s very little that scares me - least of all children.” He paused. “That said, we should probably discuss that down the line. You know.”

A slow smile crossed her features. “Most definitely. I would like that - especially since hanging out with little Skye will probably give me the bug.” She chuckled. “But until then, I think you have a story to read me, don’t you?”

“Excellent point. Have you eaten enough?”

“More than enough. I’ll have a few slices later. Cold pizza is always the best.”

“Can’t argue with that. All right, you go get comfortable and I’ll clean this up quick.” He waved off her protests. “I’m here, which means I get to fuss. Shoo.”

“Hmm. Not sure that’s how being a guest works, but I know better than to argue.” She smiled faintly and went to recline on the sofa, waiting for his return.

“Ah, but since when do the ordinary rules apply to me, Sunshine?” he called.

A few minutes later, once all the food was in the refrigerator, he joined her and picked up the manuscript. “All right, here we go.”

* * *

**_Fin_ **


End file.
